Jason ~#So The Story Goes...: 2009

Sunday, 20 December 2009

~#The Reason#

Meh seems to mean a lot more when the video is out of the picture O_O
Thanks And Credits go to
"u credit me as 'THE GREATEST PERSON EVER'/noo ¬_¬ put 'The greatest person in the world linked this to me and her name is Karen Mou'"
Cheeky Git lol
=)

Saturday, 12 December 2009

~#I Believe...#

Just a random song from the olds days that I stumbled upon during my recent youtube trawls...
Yea... Boldness, Colour and Text Size represent how important I believe it to be.

Savage Garden - Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Until you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Saturday, 5 December 2009

~#Confessions...#

Ok, well I can now say that it's not the beds nor my cough that is rendering me unable to sleep at night...
I wake up groggily to write this... I don't know why. I rarely wake up straight to go on the laptop... I usually have other things I do first like shower, pee, brush my teeth, check the mail, see who is in the house and check my phone ... But I just can't be bothered, I am just finding comfort in my music playlist. Recently I have been Korean-ified musically...I don't know why but for some reason they help. Or maybe it is just music in general.

But yea I'm not thinking straight... My mind keep drifting... Because I'm not fully awake...
A Continuation from my last post...

The reasons for the bitterness, anger, rage and unhappiness... I can only assume is from my own selfishness, my own blindness, I kept wanting something which I wasn't getting.
You already know what I can be like... I'm over possessive... over protective... Both in my own strange kind of way... The way I show things will never be received the way I want it to be... This is a lesson I am learning and take on board... Funnily enough football has been a big part in teaching me this. I am not everything, I am not the maker, I am not the orchestrator... There are others around me, I have to take their feelings in to accoutn aswell.

But what really sets me off on my rage?
Honestly... This will make me sound ever so bitter...
It's more that I am too sensetive to things. I takes things a lot further than people should or would.
To me I had given myself a mindset... To go in to everything, to do everything expecting nothing in return, that way I will never be disappointed.... But when I receive something I will be surprised in a good way.
But I don't know why, over the time I spent with You I kinda started expecting more and more in return.
Also some of the things that were said. This is the worst, because it will make me sound strange. But the things that we said... Then I felt like numerous times we didn't mean it... this is what kind of made the most dents for me. But like I said before... maybe You have a different way of showing things. Or maybe I just can't see the blatantly obvious.

This is short and obviously incoherent... As I now have to rush off to work...
But in all honesty... I don't care about that anymore...
Like I said, I'd give it all just to be new again.
But of course, maybe I have pushed too far. If I'm to be out of Your life, then so be it; You know whats best for You, not me.
If I am to have no part then thats Your choice... All I do now is wait...
Whatever the choice, I'm sorry for it all...

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Friday, 4 December 2009

~#It's Time To...?#

Time for...
Make Or Break...

我很累了

Well... As hot tempered as I can be I know my rash decisions are usually regretted after thinking about it... There are many things I would do anything to take back... But I can't life goes on the way it does... Many times I have said, done and thought things knowing I would regret them in the future... Many times I have just jumped to typing in this blog when I'm not even emotionally stable, I have just begun typing when I have been filled with anger, bitterness and rage. Yet I have always been too "proud" to take back something I know I should... Well I know it sounds like an excuse for all the things I have said... well it's not an excuse, I take responsibility for the things I have done and said... Even though some are unforgivable...

NowI am just too tired...
Too tired of crying
Too tired of constantly hurting others...
Too tired of being hurt and hurting myself...
Too tired of worrying and wearing other people out...
Too tired to keep on fighting a losing fight...
Too tired to pretend like all is alright...
Too tired physically...
Too tired mentally...
Too tired spiritually...
Too tired of being tired...

I guess I would gladly throw
All my resentment...
All my bitterness...
All my pride...
All my pains...
All my dignity...
Everything that holds You against me, everything that holds the blame on Your head.
If I could just start it all over again... No past no nothing.

This is my "cowards" way out,I know. I won't ever say this to You, because I'm afraid of Your reaction, I'm scared of what You will do, say or think... So I will just wait... Let the days pass until You somehow read this... Or just get so sick of me.

In all honesty I would rather You,
Hate me...
Despise me...
Forget me...
If it will really give You everything You wanted.
I don't want to be the excess unneeded weight on Your shoulders...

So if You ever end up reading this...
I am actually sorry... I am so sorry that it hurts that I can't ever tell You face to face...
I feel like I have to have this "tough" exterior so that nobody can hurt me again... But I guess that it wasn't just me that was hurt...Many times I have continued to push You away... Now I think that I have pushed You so far that there is no return, well maybe that is the case, but that will be nobodys fault other than my own. I was wrong forgive me... Or don't if that is what it takes.

Like I've said many times... I would like to... But this isn't a decision for me alone to make...
This is all I have to offer... Take if You want it... Leave it if You don't... I'm just too tired...
My heart has been filled with the "wrong" sorts of emotions... I can easily blame You for this, but I do realise that I myself am entirely to blame.

I know I am just repeating myself now... But again, start new if You want, if You don't well thats fine too, whatever is best for You... I will never tell You this myself to Your face, I will just wait until You someday read this... If You ever read this...
I know there are many things I would like to say to You, many thing I would like to tell You, many qustions I have left unanswered that I would like to answer... Many apologies that I have never given...

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

~#Screwed?#

Hebrews 12:15 (New Living Translation)

¹⁵ Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Oh well I guess at the moment I'm totally screwed and corrupted then...

Sunday, 29 November 2009

~#Fail...#

Sigh... Sometimes life really just feels like one failure or disappointment straight after another.
Joy... The meaning of Joy has for me, been simply put as:

JOY

J-Jesus
O-Others
Y-Yourself

Meaning to attain Joy means to put Jesus before others, but others come before You.
Then where the hell is the Y part?
Why is it everytime I feel like life is starting to maybe throw me a lifeline that it just seems to disappear...
Is it that I don't have the J part fulfilled properly?
I do believe that I have done a sufficient amount for "others" well more than I should sometimes... but where do I ever see the "Y"? Am I so selfish that I want more than I should be receiving? Am i expecting more than I what im receiving?
Sigh... Either way I don't feel like there is any worth putting too much effort in to some "others" as they just seem to take and take and expect more and more and not give anything back.
Well these "Selfish Dicks" can just be pushed out, I've tried all that I can, if they want more and have no intention of returning any sort of favour, well then they can just get the hell away from me please.

You expect to just do something... And then try and justify what You did even if You knew that it would cause negative externalities to me, yet You still want things for Yourself... Just how much of a selfish dickhead must You be seriously? You stupid ass prick, twisting words, situations and numerous other things to suit YOU and YOU ONLY...
I seriously shouldn't even give a crap, but yet I do, why?
But even more so, You CLEARLY don't care about my feelings... Unless they benefit You, so I just have to ask...

WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT IN ASKING ME?

When You so clearly don't care what I say or think. Why ask? Does it give You a little warm fuzzy feeling inside if I accept Your view?Well guess what, No, as if I'm that stupid as to accept the things that pain me. Is my "acceptance" really worth that much? I guess not judging by Your actions... They really are befitting of a dick like You...

What is the point in asking "how are You?" After something like that, how stupid are You? It's like me shooting You in the leg and asking "are You ok?" Its pretty pointless and blatantly obvious how it is... Or were You SO SELF ABSROBED that You didn't even care to notice? Yea thats exactly what I thought...

Just do whatever the hell You want,
Don't bother to ask me,
Don't bother to pry for my acceptance...
It's what You are doing already... so whats the point? Just carry on being that ignorant selfish twat. You just take advantage of what people are genuinely offering to You. You take it and do what You will with it, always knowing that there is more where that came from.

Sigh.. Everytime, I feel like there is something of worth that I have to do, some real purpose in my life... then You come alone and just break me down so easily...
I continually give You the benefit of the doubt... One more chance can't hurt right? Well that proved to be the most disappoiting and useless decision ever made... Every chance is an opportunity, but no You throw it away on Yourself as usual. Well screw it. How much longer do I have to have this crap throw in my face? I'm sick of Your BOLLOCKS, twisting and changing things just so it suits You... Trying to gain my acceptance for the crap that just brings me down, well theres only so much I can take, this isn't the first time I've felt that it is as far as I can go, for some reason I always seem to have enough to go that bit further.

I totally regret that I ever blamed God for any of this, because God has always been faithful, whereas I haven't to God. It's not God that does this, it's You; You're like a parasite, eating away every part of me until there is nothing left. Well I'd like to say I draw the line here... But Gods knows what will happen. I am susceptible to random fits of rage, so maybe this is just of them. But who knows... Maybe this has been inside for too long and only become vulnerable and released in this state.

Well do whatever You want, I can honestly say hand on heart that cared for You an insane amount whether You know or believe me or not... Now I know that You don't even care at all to show me respector show me some dignity... Well this time I can't give You the benefit of the doubt, because this isn't the first time... Or the second.. Or the third... This has happened on numerous occassions and now this is where I must say that MY own sense of mind at the moment is more important than any crap You could CLAIM to have been through. You can't even give up a bit of time, a bit of effort just to acknowledge that I even exist... I'm insecure as it is, thanks for breaking me down to my absolute insecurities... I am slowly building my security back in God. this has been a hard learning process...
I hope You feel some shame, some guilt for what You have done, You can't brush this off as if it was nothing. No way... I also hope You can respect others enough to tell them the truth... The truth always comes out one way or another...

God knows what is truly in my heart. I'd like to say that this is a one-off occassion for this... However I can be more honest with myself and say that this isn't a one time thing, rage has been dominating my life recently, I've been filling my life with meaningless things but rage still continues. Just because I can see the way I should live doesn't mean I can pick it up so easily again.
I pray for forgiveness for what I have said, I am sorry Father for the things I have said, say and think... I can't help it, it's the way I am. I just wanted You to do things the way You wanted... I just expected some respect... But no, thats obviously too much to ask for...

Why don't You just spit on me instead of doing it indirectly...
Why don't You just stab me a blunt object to torture me...
Why don't You just rip out my brain instead of this mental anguish...
Why don't You just cut me open and stamp on my heart...
They are all less humiliating and less painful than the bullsh*t You seem to WANT to put me through. Oh You didn't know I would be like this? Are You blind? Do You have no empathy? Do You have no feelings? Are You that ignorant? Are YOU realy that important that others don't matter unless they benefit You? Why do You make it out that it is ALWAYS MY FAULT? Well it's not. I did what I thought was right, well You're doing what You think is right... And I pray for Your sake that it is. I hope it is worth it.

I no longer have any motivation for anything, I'm just aimlessly drifting through life, whilst trying to rebuild my relationship with God... If that ever happens. He is the only One who has always been there, He's been carrying me all this time, if I was alone I would have given up long ago... So for that I guess I am thankful... I just haven't always wanted to carry on... I don't see what this life holds, so I just wait and do what He wants. My life no longer has any purpose to me. It is His to do as He will. I would love to say I lived a life with no regrets... But that won't be happening. I know He has plans for me, they may not be amazing or exciting but I will do it, He had no reason to save me, no reason to carry so for that I will go.

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Thursday, 26 November 2009

~#Christ-ian?#

John 3:16-18 (New Living Translation)

¹⁶ “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

¹⁸ “There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son.

First off, I know this will sound extremely hypocritical and maybe harsh but I don't care.
We as "believers in Christ" often don't realise that WE ourselves are the greatest obstacle between God and unbelievers. We know we are not perfect, we are forgiven for all our sins and everything we have done because of God; his Love, Mercy and Grace.

From experience there are "Christians" that in my opinion abuse this Love, they sin and say "God has forgiven me so it was ok" well yea sure its fine. But that is not all, the holy spirit is in us to show us when we sin, we feel shame or guilt, that guilt shows us that we have done something wrong but God will forgive us yes that will never change. Then... To sin again and have the same mindset "its ok I'm forgiven"... this is totally crap... You are FREE to do what YOU please... God has given us complete freedom but that doesn’t mean everything is good for us.

1 Corinthians 6:12-13 (New Living Translation)

Avoiding Sexual Sin

¹² You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ¹³ You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies.

Each time we sin it is we as humans giving in to our earthly inhibitions and temptations, each time we sin it’s like spitting on Jesus on the Cross.
Sure, as humans we are fallible and prone to stumbling and sinning. But we must run from things that tempt us, we must pray for forgiveness when we do sin and pray for strength to be stronger the next time a similar situation comes along. We don’t just say "Sorry God" and continue sinning and apologise every time. We must try, yes yes sure, Sin is unpreventable sometimes, but if we avoid situation that lead to tempting situation doesn't that restrict how tempted we become?

Also Christians that are I AM SAVED I can do what I like. I am saved by God, there is NOTHING I can do to separate me from God

Romans 8:39 (New Living Translation)

³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

When of course, God saves us alone if we follow Him with all our hearts.

Proverbs 3:5 (New Living Translation)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.

If we truly do follow then we would know that we are called to reach others, called to make disciples of all nations.

Matthew 28:19 (New Living Translation)

¹⁹ Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

We are not called to be selfish and lazily wait till the day comes.

Matthew 25:14-30 (New Living Translation)

Parable of the Three Servants

¹⁴ “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while he was gone. ¹⁵ He gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last—dividing it in proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip.

¹⁶ “The servant who received the five bags of silver began to invest the money and earned five more. ¹⁷ The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two more. ¹⁸ But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the ground and hid the master’s money.

¹⁹ “After a long time their master returned from his trip and called them to give an account of how they had used his money. ²⁰ The servant to whom he had entrusted the five bags of silver came forward with five more and said, ‘Master, you gave me five bags of silver to invest, and I have earned five more.’

²¹ “The master was full of praise. ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

²² “The servant who had received the two bags of silver came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two bags of silver to invest, and I have earned two more.’

²³ “The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

²⁴ “Then the servant with the one bag of silver came and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a harsh man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate. ²⁵ I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it in the earth. Look, here is your money back.’

²⁶ “But the master replied, ‘You wicked and lazy servant! If you knew I harvested crops I didn’t plant and gathered crops I didn’t cultivate, ²⁷ why didn’t you deposit my money in the bank? At least I could have gotten some interest on it.’

²⁸ “Then he ordered, ‘Take the money from this servant, and give it to the one with the ten bags of silver. ²⁹ To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. ³⁰ Now throw this useless servant into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

We as Christians are called to be Salt and Light to the Earth.

Matthew 5:13-16 (New Living Translation)

Teaching about Salt and Light

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

Yet the are so many times when our saltiness and Light are OVERSHADOWED by our failures and those wrongs are what "TAG" us as Christians, no wonder the 3 top perceptions of Christians in the US are as follows
1- HATE Gays
2- Judgemental
3- Hypocritical

How come it is the negative parts that are always highlighted. Those were the TOP3 perceptions of Christians... I don't see "Christ-like" and Loving being up there. When these are 2 of the most important traits that we should show and reflect in our lives.
Many many many times WE the "followers of Christ" are what keep unbelievers apart from the Truth of God. Sometimes we are just too afraid to speak out when we can make a difference we have become too comfortable with society and earthly things around us.
And since when has one Christian been a "better" Christian than another? Never, You are a fool to believe You are better. You have no right to judge and we are all equally bad. No matter what sin we commit, we are all sinners. There are no grades/rank/levels of sinner, just sinners!

So yar we are to spread the gospel and Love everyone basically right? Sounds hard... Well how much are You willing to give for God, who freely gave so that we may receive.
Grace = Giving us a gift we don’t deserve.
Mercy = Not giving a punishment that we deserve.

So maybe if we thought more about how our actions will affect others rather than how they will affect ourselves...

1 Corinthians 8:4-13 (New Living Translation)

⁴ So, what about eating meat that has been offered to idols? Well, we all know that an idol is not really a god and that there is only one God. ⁵ There may be so-called gods both in heaven and on earth, and some people actually worship many gods and many lords. ⁶ But we know that there is only one God, the Father, who created everything, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom God made everything and through whom we have been given life.

⁷ However, not all believers know this. Some are accustomed to thinking of idols as being real, so when they eat food that has been offered to idols, they think of it as the worship of real gods, and their weak consciences are violated. ⁸ It’s true that we can’t win God’s approval by what we eat. We don’t lose anything if we don’t eat it, and we don’t gain anything if we do.

⁹ But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. ¹⁰ For if others see you—with your “superior knowledge”—eating in the temple of an idol, won’t they be encouraged to violate their conscience by eating food that has been offered to an idol? ¹¹ So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed. ¹² And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. ¹³ So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble.

Our actions should benefit others before ourselves. That doesn't mean to say we should put ourselves in direct danger for the benefit of others. Read the sentence properly; our actions should benefit others before ourselves.

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On a totally different note, because I like to have the attention sometimes too. Currently feeling "Dry and distant from God" and like I'm continually pushing Him away. But yea things aren't always as they seem on the surface. Deep down I really don't feel the same way as I am on the outside, outside I don't know why but I'm slowly again coming to the breaking point of my fakeness. I thought a few weeks ago my mask broke and I was vulnerable on the outside as well as the inside, but after a bit of time I was able to resume my facade; pretending things are getting better, things are "okay". Well that isn't necessarily the way things are going, I still find "some things" extremely difficult to face. XYZ still constantly disrupts my life, making it mental torture for myself... XYZ always dragging me down with crap, XYZ wants something to benefit XYZ whilst claiming it is for me, well howsabout no, I'm not that stupid, I've been too naive on too many occasions so now things will be taken with extreme caution analyzed to the very last detail before acting. Again similar to my previous post, don't pretend to commit to something when You so clearly have no plan to follow it through. Your fake commitment and empty promises and BULLSH*T LIES. So seriously I know You can read this... This will either provoke You to act in a way which will not make me go completely insane.... or prove a point that You can't even be bothered to know about the things closest in my life. So go screw Your selfish ass self...

Ironic isn't it? That I can't even follow what I've been saying above...

Sunday, 15 November 2009

~#It's Not Me...#

Well, this is just a post made during a time of stress and "condensed" built up rage.

Why, every time I feel like I'm encouraged to do something I am just instantly; not brought, but demolished. With very little, if any, hope left from the initial task. All the "little" crap is worse is worse than just one big piece of crap.
Like, what the hell am I here for? What exactly am I to do?

Seriously... Why should I even bother?
I am told and promised "Y" when all I seem to get is "Z". Am I that selfish that what I want is the total opposite of what is meant for me?
Just what is the point in chasing something I don't even think will benefit me?
If what I want is the total opposite of what someone else wantswhat am I supposed to do? I've grown up with the idea of serving others and other coming first, this has been drilled in to my head... However of late I don't really see why if I never get what I want, why am I always the submissive one? Giving up something of mine when I don't seem to get the same back? Then screw it...
I just think that some people are so full of sh*t. Yea I said it, so what? Yea I can admit; that yeah I do as well.
But what sick people would do it constantly for their own damn benefit with no regard to other people? You are the truly selfish dicks.
I am willing and to admit my faults and I know that sometimes my actions hurt others and sometimes I don't realise until its a bit late, because its never too late. I guess in the very end I know it was wrong.
But if You must insist on the fact that You are in the right You can basically just "SMC”, thats probably as much use as I would want You to ever be to me.
I can honestly say sometimes I pray that I would rather not know You at all, sometimes I even pray that You can feel the sh*ts of life just so You know what its like...

Don’t You deserve to go through some crap? Why do You get to live a life that allows You to be totally happy? When there are people who suffer.

I am not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying You are a dick. would You want someone to do the same to You without an apology? Yea I thought not, so why do I have to endure this loads of bollocks, I mean why even in the first place? Just so that one day in the future if You ever need a favour You can ask me? Yea well SMC.
Be realistic.
Be subjective.
Before You spout any of Your nonsensical crap to me again.
You want to blame me then fine blame me.
You want to talk crap to me then do it.
You want to say one thing but mean the opposite then do it.
But do it for real, don’t be a dick and try to sugar-coat crap. Just get it out straightforward, none of the in-between rubbish.
I mean I’m sick of thinking "oh maybe this time I won't receive crap again this time" then when the time comes I just get "crap".
Don't "try" and build me up if You can't be bothered to finish the job. I'm sick of it, being constantly thrown a line that is too damn short.
If You say I'm first I'd like to be first.
If You say I'm second im fine with second because You have told me that...
But if You tell me I'm first and You treat me as though I am second well then I will just get pis*ed off. Why at something so petty? Because I can, it just does.
If You don't have the "time" or "commitment" then just say it, it would feel a hell of a lot better than dragging it out giving me false hope just to stumble again.
If You say You want to do something then mean it... That means don't freaking wait for me to fall whilst filling Yourself up like a dick. Yes like I said I’m also selfish, but if You say I’m next then make sure I’m freaking next and not "oh wait let me do this first" just to make me even more discouraged, its a freaking kick to the balls. Being made to feel even worse than second best.
Also don't tell me something then later on totally contradict it. It just feels like crap, am i not even worth Your own honesty, trust and time? Well thanks make me feel even more like trash.
Just how crap can I be made to feel...? How much am I supposed to take, how far am I supposed to be pushed? There is only so much I can take, even for Him. He gave it all "for me" well if I don’t feel like I’m benefiting here, if I don't feel like I have any worth, value, purpose or meaning here then why can't I just go? Just let me go? What’s the point waiting here in crap if I can just go now? Well there is a small slither of hope, its the only thing that gets me through, I try to fill the other gaps with small totally useless things like music and games, temporary fillers; they just allow me to let the days slip by without being completely empty...
As for myself I would love to say that "I can wait forever" but that is nothing but a stupid fantasy, I am human, I have a limit dammit... Is it that hard to contemplate and acknowledge?

I may seem "fine" or that I'm doing "okay" on the surface, but thats just a loads of bollocks.
Why don't You just stab me to death with a blunt object; like a spoon it would hurt a whole lot less...

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Friday, 30 October 2009

~#Empty Apartment#

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This is not really a "new post" but just part of the last blog; I just wanted to add this seperately.
Click, watch, read.
Yellowcard, always been quite a big influence musically and in other aspects of my life.

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

~#Restart...#

Well to start; well generally I'm a very reserved person, this blog is kind of an outlet of all the feeling welled up within me, these are my thoughts they may not be detailed, because I would rather those that really want to know the details to take the time out to ask me themselves. Yes, it sounds selfish, and maybe it is.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot, so leave a line on msn or something and it will be much appreciated because I know I constantly overlook people who really care.

Matthew 7:24-27

Building on a Solid Foundation

²⁴ “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. ²⁵ Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. ²⁶ But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. ²⁷ When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

Sacrifice...
So... How much are You willing to sacrifice for what You believe?
Sure it’s EASY to say
"Oh yea I'd give it all for Jesus, He saved me; I should give it all up for anything He asks, no problem He is My everything."
But when a situation arises that tests that mentality of sacrifice just how much are You genuinely willing to give up? Even in the most typical situations it is a constant struggle. Ask Yourself Honestly just how much are You willing to sacrifice? Just enough so that You get a satisfying feeling? Enough that it actually costs You something personal to Yourself? I'm not here to rebuke or point fingers because of course I find it hard and difficult to sacrifice. To be honest I would say this post relates more to obedience and sacrifice but I will just link it as sacrifice for now. But basically Obedience is greater than sacrifice.

Going back now; the biggest sacrifice in my life has radically changed my life. This sacrifice is currently still the dominating feature in my life; its haunts my mind, determines my emotions, dictates my mood and controls my thoughts...
I do not mean to get all soppy and I’m not seeking sympathy but seriously this has caused me some significant mood swings, anger and temper issues. But on the whole it has been a more than heart breaking experience... As I am writing I blink away the tears with vigour to go on and get past all of this, it may sound easy to say but it is difficult to achieve.
Sacrifice... No one said it’s an easy thing to do. So what is the purpose of sacrifice? Generally the achievement is much more valuable than the cost. So sacrifice infers a hard time; yes...

Joshua 1:9

9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

So in my personal situation, how much more it pushes me to the edge when I feel as though this sacrifice was a selfish one... Seriously think about it; what the hell did I gain really that would benefit me? Thanks it’s always great to be treated like turd when all I wanted was some thing better for You.
The stress and emotion pushed me over the edge. As I am typing this right now I look back and think how stupid. But all in all I'm not through, I'm still slowly trudging and being "carried" by Him through this, "If He brings You to it; He WILL bring You through it." This was the hope that kept me going, sure I could of turned to anything to fill this hole that has been scratched out of my heart.
I had been going for months; nearly 14 in all wondering;
Why? Why are You doing this? Why won't You answer me? Give me sign or something...
When blinded by selfishness and stupidity all the signs were in front of me, sure this may not apply to a lot of people or some people will find this "silly" but so what? This is MY view. He works through people to work through me. Again to all the people who have helped me; regardless of whether You know You have or not, I am truly thankful for all that You have tried to do, I am sorry for all the times I've overlooked a "sorry/thanks".

Basically sacrifice sucks... But I'm certain he has something greater for me; this is the hope I'm clinging on to. It's not over been easy, nor is it over, I am currently still being pushed along through it; because I; myself have all but lost all strength to go on alone, but He gives me that push to get me going and when I stop again, He gives me that push. When I think about it I think that I'm being extremely selfish, there are people going through worse than I am yet they don't whine like I do.

So really what has been pushing me through? There was a time when I left Him because I felt like He didn't want to know me, didn't want to help me, answer me, carry me, strengthen me. It hurt; I blamed Him, I Blamed "X". But in the end is it not entirely my fault? I chose not to listen, see, hear or feel all the blatant signals from Him. However with regards to "X" I truly do not believe I am to accept full responsibility for this crap... Sure of course I am bitter and angry; who wouldn't be? I gave it up for You, and I feel like every time You look or more realistically; intentionally ignore me, it feels like You are spitting on me for what I did for You. I am constantly confused about how I should feel; I spend the days burning with anger, then the nights regretting that I was angry with You and eventually end up crying myself to sleep... No I'm not joking nor am I seeking sympathy. It wrecks my mind... Letting go is difficult... I do not mean to point fingers here but something really didn’t help me through this time, if You vow to help and support me please don’t just say it as an empty promise; I would more than like to accept it, but when I feel like You only said it to make temporarily make me feel better it doesn’t help... sure I know I shouldn't be thinking like this; but I’m human and I’m fallible but honestly I already have trust issues, don't make them worse. It truly hurts when (I know it sounds immature and immoral) but if You say this but then do something that totally contradicts it, I will be hurt. So if You are going to say something mean it, I would prefer that You didn't say it rather than make an empty promise.

Well, I felt as though this situation also kind of benefited me, it showed my true foundations; seriously what was I basing life with God on? Were my foundation God and Jesus? As I picked up the pieces I realised that my foundations were built with relations, NEEC, youth group and fun, that will all fade one day. So it further opened my eyes that my foundations needed to be rebuilt, if this single trial in my life was able to shake me to my foundations and forced/allowed me to rebel against Him for something so trivial then I'm screwed in the future. I believe that this is truly a struggle also for my benefit; it has allowed me to notice that my foundations needed replacing, because ultimately it comes down to the foundations every time I face a trial, if what I have built on top of the foundations is strong but the foundations themselves lack strength then basically I'm screwed. So yea these past few months that I have spent thinking and "soul searching" have been "back to basics" for me. I think we overlook the fundamentals; the basics are imperative to our faith.

1 Corinthians 3:11-16

11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.

12 Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. 13 But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. 14 If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. 15 But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.

If I was to explain how I knew He was there for me, well I guess this analogy is the best I can explain it, if it sounds generic so be it.
Ok, imagine a dark path, You can barely make out the path beneath Your feet. You are walking a broad path with many other paths connected to it. God is ahead of You with a candle a small light, You walk towards it; He offers to guide and advise You, You follow him He walks at a pace a little slower than Yours, You do not want to overtake Him in case You stumble on something. But because You move slightly faster than Him You stop every so often to marvel and gaze and the dimly lit objects around His light, He waits for You. You notice something and then something else; You realise You have wandered slightly away from Him. The light is slightly dimmer; You have to squint to see the light now. You shout Him to come back, but You can't see the objects that are on the path that snare and trip You as You try to find the path alone with no light.
Ok this made much more sense in my head, but as I thought it through I got confused. On a slight tangent light will always shine no matter how much darkness is present, it can't cover or mask the light. The greater darkness the greater the light will shine. However if there is a bright light there will be less darkness but the darkness will be concentrated in some areas. (This makes sense to me, but I’m assuming it may confuse other people; I have a strange way of thinking, but basically think shadows.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
I began with this with the mashing of my keyboard through my tears of anger and anguish... As I drew to a close and listened to these songs being played on my itunes they slowly became tears of joy... Still mixed with anger and anguish... But at least now there is a slight bit of joy.

Basically this has been a rage blog, not much that’s productive, this posts purpose was mainly to get stuff off my chest.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Please msn/text/ring/e-mail or contact me if You like. Rage at my rage if You like.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

~#So It Begins...#

Well here goes...

An update of my life, I'll go straight in to it.

Job 8:21

²¹ He will once again fill your mouth with laughter
and your lips with shouts of joy.

Well this particular verse actually means a lot to me, it is one of the first verses I ever learnt and have since used it as part of a foundation in Him.

However over the recent 18 couple of months I have found it extremely hard to believe in this; I don't mean to seek sympathy but in all seriousness, over this period of time laughter feels like it needed to be forced or faked as to not be an outsider, shouts of joy have been somewhat rare, socialising even seems like a chore when I'd much rather just sit there with my headphones in and blank it all out and just be alone. At home I doubt anyone even realised that I was feeling like crap. Home, a place where I might as well be invisible, I don't even feel as though I exist, they just look though me, do they even see me? This may seem like a desperate plea of a weak 20 year old... well then so be it. I have become accustomed to being the scapegoat, the screw up, the failure. I'd much rather take the blame even if I’m not to blame as long as it results in peace...

When something goes wrong, I’m to blame

When something breaks, I’m to blame

When something changes, I’m to blame.

Well to be honest blame me all You like it means nothing to me anymore, my self esteem and self worth have been shattered to a point of pointless return, I currently have little need for pride.

Personally right now I'd like to apologise to all those around me who have had to put up with so much of my crap, recently I’ve been a lot more abusive and aggressive, I don’t mean to vent it on You all but I just did; I am still unable to overcome this, every time I speak it will be some form of abuse or aggression. Well I thank those that have had the willpower and patience to put up with me; I know it must not have been easy or nice at all.

The mask I’ve been wearing is beginning to take its toll... it can no longer contain/hide things that I desire, it has become apparent, I am sick and tired of maintaining this facade. How sad and pathetic it is for a 20 year old to cry himself to sleep months on end. I think it’s pathetic when I reminisce on the reasons.
So there it is, I Hated Him.

Hated is past tense.

I felt like I had it "All". I guess after looking back upon this I can see that I was way too high, on my own earthly desires, I CLEARLY needed to be brought back down and taught a valuable lesson; and damn; that was a painful lesson, to fall from so high.
To be totally honest I am ashamed to admit that I blamed Him for this, I pushed Him out of my life, because in all honesty I felt as though I was being punished for something I was instructed to do. I believed that what I did was "the right thing" and thus should at least not be "rewarded" with a punishment. It wasn't something I HAD to do; it was a matter of choice; You or You. In the end God is the greater influence in my life so I went with His perfect judgement. However, after doing so I felt anguish and pain as I had to make a difficult choice; a choice which I still believe is right even to this day, after hours and hours of torturing myself for an answer.

How foolish, I was to blinded by selfishness, personal desires and thinking I was "right" and looking for an answer that would be so obvious, when I should be trusting and have faith that His way is perfect. How stupid that it took me so long to realise. Even though I realise to entrust all in Him I still struggle to keep a straight face in certain circumstances, sometimes I will just break, but if there is anything I have learnt from this is that perseverance is a requirement for character building. This may not make sense but it makes sense in my mind.

During this period I guess I have been personally been building walls, not to keep everyone out, but to see who would put in that extra effort; those that truly cared who wanted to know me, to knock down the wall and truly be there for me, not much of a revelation when I fell back in to the mindset that all people suck; sorry to people who tried; because as humans we are all fallible so therefore I will NEVER find a perfect person to be there for all my selfish needs.

He was and is the only one I could be certain of being there for me. It took me many months to finally realise this.

So then this was when I thought God, I’m sorry for being a total dick, so I shamefully started crawling back... yes shamefully I was more than ashamed of what I had thought about Him in my moments of emotional insecurity; in rage, anger and depression. Even after reading so much and being taught so much, I still believed I would be met with jeers and shouts of "I told You so"... but obviously this wasn’t the case, I do not mean to be generic but I seriously didn't expect Him to be so forgiving, despite all that I knew, or what I thought I knew, I half expected Him to say "No, You have dishonoured me enough." It just goes to show that His mercy and grace are both truly amazing, it's not what I’ve done, and it’s what Jesus has done. Although my relationship with Him is still on "the mend" He has made it particularly easy for me to want to return to Him. I am still struggling with almost everything, however I know that I will never be good enough, so does that mean I should just give up where I am right now and be content that I’ve tried slightly? Or should I pursue more and strive to know Him more than I have ever known? Well for me the answer is a no-brainer.

I do not mean for this to be a rant directed at anyone in particular, because like I've said earlier I know it may seem like I blamed You all, but I know that it was my own fault, it was all down to me, I was just pushing for an easy option by pushing the blame on to others so that I may be able to feel righteous. But if You truly believe I’m purposely pointing a finger at You and blaming You, well then talk to me, I'd rather get it sorted than have You wallow in the intense displeasure and torture of not knowing the truth.

So yea basically I feel like I'm starting everything all over again... however know with a greater foundation, not to say that its perfect because it is far from it, I will always stumble but this is just the beginning of my journey, I have just always been afraid of not knowing what lies ahead in store for me. Like Martin Luther King said; "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." it's all about faith.

Romans 1:17

“It is through faith that a righteous person has life.”

So the story goes...

Well this is enough rage for the moment, if You read all of this I thank You for that, and I totally appreciate that You took the time to know or understand me a bit better. I do believe that I do not think like the "average/ordinary" human being, I do believe that I think am over sensitive when responding to certain things, but You may no agree but whatever. Just know that I may not think the same way as You, but we still think about the same things. This post is purposely not totally in depth, for people who want to know more or have burning questions to ask then leave a comment, msn or text me.

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