Jason ~#So The Story Goes...: March 2010

Is it really worth it?
From my perspective...

Is it really worth it continue down this bullsh*t lane?
You who make every single effort to abuse, crush and destroy all of my efforts.
Is NOTHING I do okay?

Everything I do is met with hostility or... "You just don't like it"
If this is just some totally retarded way of showing You care...
*clap clap* for being the most retarded person on earth, the most SELFISH person.
You just do not and may possibly NEVER realise the amount of crap I have,do and would for You. yet You continue to treat me as if I'm dogsh*t that You have stepped on.
Great job, You really know how to make someone feel lower than dirt.
Every opportunity is taken advantage of to "attack" me... Thanks I really appreciate it!
Although pride is not an issues... It does not mean I am willing have this bullsh*t rubbed all in my face.
Why don't You try stop being a dickhead?
Did You EVER stop to think "hmmm... I wonder what this is like for the other person...?
Well if so why am I lower than dogturd?
Your words and actions do not fit... These words full of false hope, full of crap...
You say "ABC" but then Your actions do not match "ABC" in fact its not even close...
You purposely go out of Your way to trample all over my heart, wow thanks I'm so glad this gives You so much entertainment.

Why am I so unable to follow my own advice? All the advice ad knowledge that I tell other people, yet I myself am unable to take on board my own advice. how pathetic.

Even more pathetic is the fact You are willing to toy with another person, to toy with feelings and emotions, am I only hearing things I want to hear so that You can get things You want to get? 'cos it sure as hell feels that way.

I don't understand, do You INTENTIONALLY but others before me just to take the piss?

I must be the last to be first?
I've spent too much time being last...

IS IT WORTH IT?

I hope that the reason You continue to do what You do IS WORTH the cost that I am paying...
I bite my lip and continue to "pay" just so that You may benefit from all this life has to offer You...
But there I can only bite down for so long... Until I begin to bleed... Then I must "take time" to recover... As usual... Before being able to go through the entire process again...
So I guess, I'll continue "paying"... It's all I can do...

Just shout whenever and I'll be there...

Why can I not be a self-serving, self seeking selfish person and want what is best for me sometimes?

Why must it be carved in to my heart and my mind that I should always come last?

Why can't I just be selfish? and just take what I want and what I need to get by?

Why must I constantly be feeling that I have to give and give to be of any use?

Why do I feel like I just "fill gaps" with my minority and insignificance?

Why can't I be a big piece? A useful stand alone piece?

Why am I just another piece that can be easily replaced...

Why am I not unique or useful enough to mean anything to anyone, to anything?

Why must the only thing I can produce is tears?

Why can I only bring pain, misery and unhappiness to all those around me?

Why must I feel like I have to be acknowledged?

I feel the only thing I can do is give my time to people.

Time... something which most people can acquire. Albeit not always immediately, but nonetheless something that can be acquired through effort, so how do that makes me any more useful than the next person? I have nothing extra, nothing new to offer whereas they will probably have many things.

If I give, is it selfish to want something in return? even if it is just an acknowledgement? Even if its just a thanks?

But no, I don't ask for these things, I have greatly overlooked how much these simple little things mean.

These simple things which can easily "re-fill" a person.

Am I being selfish for not realising just how blessed I already am? That I keep yearning for more and more? Is it not human nature to simply want something that I have had stripped away from me?

Or at least something to fill the void that was left...

Well I am still currently searching, searching which is just frustrating when the results are so disappointing... Should I really expect NOTHING then be surprised when I do receive something no matter how insignificant it may seem? Mentally I'm not able to accept or even begin to apply such a philosophy. I am human, I am fallible, I want and want what I think I need.

But this constant need of my wants and desires will begin to blind me from the simple treasures of life. These simple treasures which had been simply helping me a long in life.

If this were true then why must it be so hard right now? right now when I have hit my wall. This wall which seems so large, impassible, insurmountable... When, if, how will can I conceivably begin to fathom the possibility of overcoming such great obstacles.

...Hope?

Why hope?

Why no when it has always failed to dramatically make a change in my life?

Is that not the answer within itself?

Why must I expect it to be an instant dramatic change?

I have spent far too long hoping to back down, but that doesn't mean I don't have the occasional "emo period".

I have wasted far too much time chasing my own desires...

I have also wasted even more time chasing what I thought were not my own desires...

So does this not imply that I must throw myself in to the "Truth" and develop a relationship with Him so that I am able to distinguish what is my own desire and what ar His desires for me to prosper.

...I feel so drained from constantly throwing myself, I am so tired;physically, mentally and spiritually. There have been times when I have welcomed death; a death that would just so easily allow me to be with Him, where I can be "happy". Why must I endure this time of crap down here when I have a home up there waiting for me?

But after being afraid of whether my "citizenship" is secure or not... I realised... Would I not also

want ALL of my LOVED ones to be there with me?

I may sound immensely selfish when I say this but...

"My Loved Ones"... I honestly get the feeling that sometimes some of them really just don't care, or they just seem to be far more self absorbed, or maybe I just don't realise, or maybe I'm too needy and clingy and seem to want more than I should.

Well here goes; I feel like I give more than I receive... and the feeling of being burnt out is a feeling that I am too well acquainted with. I feel like the amount given is largely greater greater than the amount received, so there are numerous times when I feel like I am running on empty.

In my head I know that my re-fill should be purely from God, but I find it so hard to re-fill without a physical human existence holding my hand all the way through.

Even if I do have this, I am almost certainly overlooking this...

Just struggling to even make it through takes its toll on my mind and body.

Being unable to sleep just doesn't help... Being unable to sleep for more than 1 hour without waking up, and when i "rest" it is purely restless, tossing and turning; its impossible to lay still and rest and preserve energy, my body just can't stay still. I am constantly drained of energy.

On the extremely difficult nights when I cry myself to that much wanted 1 hours sleep I end up waking up in a pool that then prevents me from sleeping for another good 2-3 hours. The pain in my back, the pain in my chest, the difficulty breathing, the pain in my legs... Where did these sudden pains appear from?

Many hindrances to my rest, and daily life. I feel more like I am 80 rather 21, so many physical pains in my body, and so much mental anguish... should someone who is 21 have been through this already? I am unable to even bring up any child hood memory... I do not understand why, photos, verbal recounts; they don't even begin to even partially recall a memory in my mind... Generally my memory is quite good... so what makes me push all this down? The one single memory, if You can call it a memory of my childhood is that I had been to more Nurseries than I have schools my entire life. Coming to Manchester I didn't even know that when i started school it was year 1... It felt like I was at least in year with the amount of time I had already spent in my life...

So... ultimately I am a selfish human being wanting more human contact.... When in fact in my head I know that I can always be full on God... Yet I still yearn for that human bond... Why? That bond between two humans that brings me to tears with envy and jealousy...

Am I such a wretch?

Am I such an outcast?

Am I that useless?

Am I that disappointing?

Am I that disgusting?

Am I that vile?

Am I so inhumane?

Am I that dirty?

Am I that ugly?

Am I that horrible?

Am I just not good enough for anything?

For anyone?

I am not talking about a relationship like boyfriend girlfriend, no this is not something on my mind for a long long time... But why am I unable to even have a close bond with a single person as a close friend?

Sure people can claim that they are, but when the time comes they offer, but they dont even listen, they don't even realise. They just don't seem to care, what they say is a human reaction, with no intention of actually being true to their words, or they decide to put their own things ahead... How painful and depressing it is to be given false hope and be lied to, maybe it is my own fault for putting so much pressure on one person to comfort me, maybe I am too much of a handful... I guess in human terms I'll never know what first and second place ever feel like...

Do You all know how much it pains me to hear these sympathetic words

"You are a nice guy... not many people are like You"

Do You realise how pathetic that makes You feel?

"You are a nice guy... You are different..."

Yet You are still special to nobody? Yet nobody needs You, there is no requirement for people

"who aren't like You"

but apparently people are happy with what there is lots of...

I used to be ambitious enough to believe that

"Looks attract the eye...

Personality attracts the heart...

Chivalry keeps the heart..."

Pathetic. The one thing I had to offer of those 3 was possibly the latter... but what is the point in having the ability to keep a heart when I don't even have the means to attaining one?

"I may not mean a lot to the world...

But I may mean the world to one person..."

Well the first obviously isn't true for me... Also I don't even fit the latter... Just how insignificant and depressing do You think it is to be filled with this false humanly hope.

Struggling to even be significant to one person... Whereas I am just a "passer-by" in peoples lives, I am insignificant and immemorable a floater, someone who will be rarely be remembered or missed when I am gone.

My "life" plan used to be to have a family... Well balls to that, I have been so broken that I don't have the same fire in my heart to chase this dream as I did 2-3 years ago. My dreams and Hopes have been battered, bruised and broken. It's not that I don't still think about it, I just don't think that it will ever be something that will happen in my life now. To be a Dad... Whilst kids in primary school aspired to be superheroes, firemen and policemen I was always told I was mature for my age in primary school, I always wanted to be something I never had, that was what I had been longing to be for so long, this dream has long been shaken, in reality if I can't even maintain a close friendship what use is it hoping to be a Father to a Kid that I will never have? These thoughts are just haunting me, it is so unbelievably painful to go through life without a single purpose.

Am I really destined to spend the rest of my days floating? Being barely useful to anyone? Spending my days alone...?

It is insanely hard to just go on sometimes...

Despite God always being there, There are still numerous times when I desperately crave just a human hand, shoulder or a voice to just tell me that it's okay... But when it's not there it just gets even harder...

I do still believe God has a plan for me, I do not know what, nor do I expect it to coincide with my desires. But this is the same bit of hope that I have been grasping on to with both all I have for so long, I'm not about to let go... Despite the times when I feel down and spend time re-filling on His word, I will continue to soldier on though life Loving all those around me, my life on this earth is not about my own happiness, its about preparing and letting others know about Jesus, so that they may share what I have up there with Him. I end this blog after a night of intense emotional vulnerability... Freaking snot and tear covered towel... T_T

God Loves You

I Love You <3>

1 Peter 1:22 (New Living Translation)

²² You were cleansed from Your sins when You obeyed the truth, so now You must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all Your heart.