~#Fail...#

Sigh... Sometimes life really just feels like one failure or disappointment straight after another.
Joy... The meaning of Joy has for me, been simply put as:

JOY

J-Jesus
O-Others
Y-Yourself

Meaning to attain Joy means to put Jesus before others, but others come before You.
Then where the hell is the Y part?
Why is it everytime I feel like life is starting to maybe throw me a lifeline that it just seems to disappear...
Is it that I don't have the J part fulfilled properly?
I do believe that I have done a sufficient amount for "others" well more than I should sometimes... but where do I ever see the "Y"? Am I so selfish that I want more than I should be receiving? Am i expecting more than I what im receiving?
Sigh... Either way I don't feel like there is any worth putting too much effort in to some "others" as they just seem to take and take and expect more and more and not give anything back.
Well these "Selfish Dicks" can just be pushed out, I've tried all that I can, if they want more and have no intention of returning any sort of favour, well then they can just get the hell away from me please.

You expect to just do something... And then try and justify what You did even if You knew that it would cause negative externalities to me, yet You still want things for Yourself... Just how much of a selfish dickhead must You be seriously? You stupid ass prick, twisting words, situations and numerous other things to suit YOU and YOU ONLY...
I seriously shouldn't even give a crap, but yet I do, why?
But even more so, You CLEARLY don't care about my feelings... Unless they benefit You, so I just have to ask...

WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT IN ASKING ME?

When You so clearly don't care what I say or think. Why ask? Does it give You a little warm fuzzy feeling inside if I accept Your view?Well guess what, No, as if I'm that stupid as to accept the things that pain me. Is my "acceptance" really worth that much? I guess not judging by Your actions... They really are befitting of a dick like You...

What is the point in asking "how are You?" After something like that, how stupid are You? It's like me shooting You in the leg and asking "are You ok?" Its pretty pointless and blatantly obvious how it is... Or were You SO SELF ABSROBED that You didn't even care to notice? Yea thats exactly what I thought...

Just do whatever the hell You want,
Don't bother to ask me,
Don't bother to pry for my acceptance...
It's what You are doing already... so whats the point? Just carry on being that ignorant selfish twat. You just take advantage of what people are genuinely offering to You. You take it and do what You will with it, always knowing that there is more where that came from.

Sigh.. Everytime, I feel like there is something of worth that I have to do, some real purpose in my life... then You come alone and just break me down so easily...
I continually give You the benefit of the doubt... One more chance can't hurt right? Well that proved to be the most disappoiting and useless decision ever made... Every chance is an opportunity, but no You throw it away on Yourself as usual. Well screw it. How much longer do I have to have this crap throw in my face? I'm sick of Your BOLLOCKS, twisting and changing things just so it suits You... Trying to gain my acceptance for the crap that just brings me down, well theres only so much I can take, this isn't the first time I've felt that it is as far as I can go, for some reason I always seem to have enough to go that bit further.

I totally regret that I ever blamed God for any of this, because God has always been faithful, whereas I haven't to God. It's not God that does this, it's You; You're like a parasite, eating away every part of me until there is nothing left. Well I'd like to say I draw the line here... But Gods knows what will happen. I am susceptible to random fits of rage, so maybe this is just of them. But who knows... Maybe this has been inside for too long and only become vulnerable and released in this state.

Well do whatever You want, I can honestly say hand on heart that cared for You an insane amount whether You know or believe me or not... Now I know that You don't even care at all to show me respector show me some dignity... Well this time I can't give You the benefit of the doubt, because this isn't the first time... Or the second.. Or the third... This has happened on numerous occassions and now this is where I must say that MY own sense of mind at the moment is more important than any crap You could CLAIM to have been through. You can't even give up a bit of time, a bit of effort just to acknowledge that I even exist... I'm insecure as it is, thanks for breaking me down to my absolute insecurities... I am slowly building my security back in God. this has been a hard learning process...
I hope You feel some shame, some guilt for what You have done, You can't brush this off as if it was nothing. No way... I also hope You can respect others enough to tell them the truth... The truth always comes out one way or another...

God knows what is truly in my heart. I'd like to say that this is a one-off occassion for this... However I can be more honest with myself and say that this isn't a one time thing, rage has been dominating my life recently, I've been filling my life with meaningless things but rage still continues. Just because I can see the way I should live doesn't mean I can pick it up so easily again.
I pray for forgiveness for what I have said, I am sorry Father for the things I have said, say and think... I can't help it, it's the way I am. I just wanted You to do things the way You wanted... I just expected some respect... But no, thats obviously too much to ask for...

Why don't You just spit on me instead of doing it indirectly...
Why don't You just stab me a blunt object to torture me...
Why don't You just rip out my brain instead of this mental anguish...
Why don't You just cut me open and stamp on my heart...
They are all less humiliating and less painful than the bullsh*t You seem to WANT to put me through. Oh You didn't know I would be like this? Are You blind? Do You have no empathy? Do You have no feelings? Are You that ignorant? Are YOU realy that important that others don't matter unless they benefit You? Why do You make it out that it is ALWAYS MY FAULT? Well it's not. I did what I thought was right, well You're doing what You think is right... And I pray for Your sake that it is. I hope it is worth it.

I no longer have any motivation for anything, I'm just aimlessly drifting through life, whilst trying to rebuild my relationship with God... If that ever happens. He is the only One who has always been there, He's been carrying me all this time, if I was alone I would have given up long ago... So for that I guess I am thankful... I just haven't always wanted to carry on... I don't see what this life holds, so I just wait and do what He wants. My life no longer has any purpose to me. It is His to do as He will. I would love to say I lived a life with no regrets... But that won't be happening. I know He has plans for me, they may not be amazing or exciting but I will do it, He had no reason to save me, no reason to carry so for that I will go.

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

~#Christ-ian?#

John 3:16-18 (New Living Translation)

¹⁶ “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

¹⁸ “There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son.

First off, I know this will sound extremely hypocritical and maybe harsh but I don't care.
We as "believers in Christ" often don't realise that WE ourselves are the greatest obstacle between God and unbelievers. We know we are not perfect, we are forgiven for all our sins and everything we have done because of God; his Love, Mercy and Grace.

From experience there are "Christians" that in my opinion abuse this Love, they sin and say "God has forgiven me so it was ok" well yea sure its fine. But that is not all, the holy spirit is in us to show us when we sin, we feel shame or guilt, that guilt shows us that we have done something wrong but God will forgive us yes that will never change. Then... To sin again and have the same mindset "its ok I'm forgiven"... this is totally crap... You are FREE to do what YOU please... God has given us complete freedom but that doesn’t mean everything is good for us.

1 Corinthians 6:12-13 (New Living Translation)

Avoiding Sexual Sin

¹² You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ¹³ You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies.

Each time we sin it is we as humans giving in to our earthly inhibitions and temptations, each time we sin it’s like spitting on Jesus on the Cross.
Sure, as humans we are fallible and prone to stumbling and sinning. But we must run from things that tempt us, we must pray for forgiveness when we do sin and pray for strength to be stronger the next time a similar situation comes along. We don’t just say "Sorry God" and continue sinning and apologise every time. We must try, yes yes sure, Sin is unpreventable sometimes, but if we avoid situation that lead to tempting situation doesn't that restrict how tempted we become?

Also Christians that are I AM SAVED I can do what I like. I am saved by God, there is NOTHING I can do to separate me from God

Romans 8:39 (New Living Translation)

³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

When of course, God saves us alone if we follow Him with all our hearts.

Proverbs 3:5 (New Living Translation)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.

If we truly do follow then we would know that we are called to reach others, called to make disciples of all nations.

Matthew 28:19 (New Living Translation)

¹⁹ Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

We are not called to be selfish and lazily wait till the day comes.

Matthew 25:14-30 (New Living Translation)

Parable of the Three Servants

¹⁴ “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while he was gone. ¹⁵ He gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last—dividing it in proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip.

¹⁶ “The servant who received the five bags of silver began to invest the money and earned five more. ¹⁷ The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two more. ¹⁸ But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the ground and hid the master’s money.

¹⁹ “After a long time their master returned from his trip and called them to give an account of how they had used his money. ²⁰ The servant to whom he had entrusted the five bags of silver came forward with five more and said, ‘Master, you gave me five bags of silver to invest, and I have earned five more.’

²¹ “The master was full of praise. ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

²² “The servant who had received the two bags of silver came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two bags of silver to invest, and I have earned two more.’

²³ “The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

²⁴ “Then the servant with the one bag of silver came and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a harsh man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate. ²⁵ I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it in the earth. Look, here is your money back.’

²⁶ “But the master replied, ‘You wicked and lazy servant! If you knew I harvested crops I didn’t plant and gathered crops I didn’t cultivate, ²⁷ why didn’t you deposit my money in the bank? At least I could have gotten some interest on it.’

²⁸ “Then he ordered, ‘Take the money from this servant, and give it to the one with the ten bags of silver. ²⁹ To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. ³⁰ Now throw this useless servant into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

We as Christians are called to be Salt and Light to the Earth.

Matthew 5:13-16 (New Living Translation)

Teaching about Salt and Light

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

Yet the are so many times when our saltiness and Light are OVERSHADOWED by our failures and those wrongs are what "TAG" us as Christians, no wonder the 3 top perceptions of Christians in the US are as follows
1- HATE Gays
2- Judgemental
3- Hypocritical

How come it is the negative parts that are always highlighted. Those were the TOP3 perceptions of Christians... I don't see "Christ-like" and Loving being up there. When these are 2 of the most important traits that we should show and reflect in our lives.
Many many many times WE the "followers of Christ" are what keep unbelievers apart from the Truth of God. Sometimes we are just too afraid to speak out when we can make a difference we have become too comfortable with society and earthly things around us.
And since when has one Christian been a "better" Christian than another? Never, You are a fool to believe You are better. You have no right to judge and we are all equally bad. No matter what sin we commit, we are all sinners. There are no grades/rank/levels of sinner, just sinners!

So yar we are to spread the gospel and Love everyone basically right? Sounds hard... Well how much are You willing to give for God, who freely gave so that we may receive.
Grace = Giving us a gift we don’t deserve.
Mercy = Not giving a punishment that we deserve.

So maybe if we thought more about how our actions will affect others rather than how they will affect ourselves...

1 Corinthians 8:4-13 (New Living Translation)

⁴ So, what about eating meat that has been offered to idols? Well, we all know that an idol is not really a god and that there is only one God. ⁵ There may be so-called gods both in heaven and on earth, and some people actually worship many gods and many lords. ⁶ But we know that there is only one God, the Father, who created everything, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom God made everything and through whom we have been given life.

⁷ However, not all believers know this. Some are accustomed to thinking of idols as being real, so when they eat food that has been offered to idols, they think of it as the worship of real gods, and their weak consciences are violated. ⁸ It’s true that we can’t win God’s approval by what we eat. We don’t lose anything if we don’t eat it, and we don’t gain anything if we do.

⁹ But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. ¹⁰ For if others see you—with your “superior knowledge”—eating in the temple of an idol, won’t they be encouraged to violate their conscience by eating food that has been offered to an idol? ¹¹ So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed. ¹² And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. ¹³ So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble.

Our actions should benefit others before ourselves. That doesn't mean to say we should put ourselves in direct danger for the benefit of others. Read the sentence properly; our actions should benefit others before ourselves.


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On a totally different note, because I like to have the attention sometimes too. Currently feeling "Dry and distant from God" and like I'm continually pushing Him away. But yea things aren't always as they seem on the surface. Deep down I really don't feel the same way as I am on the outside, outside I don't know why but I'm slowly again coming to the breaking point of my fakeness. I thought a few weeks ago my mask broke and I was vulnerable on the outside as well as the inside, but after a bit of time I was able to resume my facade; pretending things are getting better, things are "okay". Well that isn't necessarily the way things are going, I still find "some things" extremely difficult to face. XYZ still constantly disrupts my life, making it mental torture for myself... XYZ always dragging me down with crap, XYZ wants something to benefit XYZ whilst claiming it is for me, well howsabout no, I'm not that stupid, I've been too naive on too many occasions so now things will be taken with extreme caution analyzed to the very last detail before acting. Again similar to my previous post, don't pretend to commit to something when You so clearly have no plan to follow it through. Your fake commitment and empty promises and BULLSH*T LIES. So seriously I know You can read this... This will either provoke You to act in a way which will not make me go completely insane.... or prove a point that You can't even be bothered to know about the things closest in my life. So go screw Your selfish ass self...

Ironic isn't it? That I can't even follow what I've been saying above...

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

~#It's Not Me...#

Well, this is just a post made during a time of stress and "condensed" built up rage.

Why, every time I feel like I'm encouraged to do something I am just instantly; not brought, but demolished. With very little, if any, hope left from the initial task. All the "little" crap is worse is worse than just one big piece of crap.
Like, what the hell am I here for? What exactly am I to do?

Seriously... Why should I even bother?
I am told and promised "Y" when all I seem to get is "Z". Am I that selfish that what I want is the total opposite of what is meant for me?
Just what is the point in chasing something I don't even think will benefit me?
If what I want is the total opposite of what someone else wantswhat am I supposed to do? I've grown up with the idea of serving others and other coming first, this has been drilled in to my head... However of late I don't really see why if I never get what I want, why am I always the submissive one? Giving up something of mine when I don't seem to get the same back? Then screw it...
I just think that some people are so full of sh*t. Yea I said it, so what? Yea I can admit; that yeah I do as well.
But what sick people would do it constantly for their own damn benefit with no regard to other people? You are the truly selfish dicks.
I am willing and to admit my faults and I know that sometimes my actions hurt others and sometimes I don't realise until its a bit late, because its never too late. I guess in the very end I know it was wrong.
But if You must insist on the fact that You are in the right You can basically just "SMC”, thats probably as much use as I would want You to ever be to me.
I can honestly say sometimes I pray that I would rather not know You at all, sometimes I even pray that You can feel the sh*ts of life just so You know what its like...

Don’t You deserve to go through some crap? Why do You get to live a life that allows You to be totally happy? When there are people who suffer.


I am not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying You are a dick. would You want someone to do the same to You without an apology? Yea I thought not, so why do I have to endure this loads of bollocks, I mean why even in the first place? Just so that one day in the future if You ever need a favour You can ask me? Yea well SMC.
Be realistic.
Be subjective.
Before You spout any of Your nonsensical crap to me again.
You want to blame me then fine blame me.
You want to talk crap to me then do it.
You want to say one thing but mean the opposite then do it.
But do it for real, don’t be a dick and try to sugar-coat crap. Just get it out straightforward, none of the in-between rubbish.
I mean I’m sick of thinking "oh maybe this time I won't receive crap again this time" then when the time comes I just get "crap".
Don't "try" and build me up if You can't be bothered to finish the job. I'm sick of it, being constantly thrown a line that is too damn short.
If You say I'm first I'd like to be first.
If You say I'm second im fine with second because You have told me that...
But if You tell me I'm first and You treat me as though I am second well then I will just get pis*ed off. Why at something so petty? Because I can, it just does.
If You don't have the "time" or "commitment" then just say it, it would feel a hell of a lot better than dragging it out giving me false hope just to stumble again.
If You say You want to do something then mean it... That means don't freaking wait for me to fall whilst filling Yourself up like a dick. Yes like I said I’m also selfish, but if You say I’m next then make sure I’m freaking next and not "oh wait let me do this first" just to make me even more discouraged, its a freaking kick to the balls. Being made to feel even worse than second best.
Also don't tell me something then later on totally contradict it. It just feels like crap, am i not even worth Your own honesty, trust and time? Well thanks make me feel even more like trash.
Just how crap can I be made to feel...? How much am I supposed to take, how far am I supposed to be pushed? There is only so much I can take, even for Him. He gave it all "for me" well if I don’t feel like I’m benefiting here, if I don't feel like I have any worth, value, purpose or meaning here then why can't I just go? Just let me go? What’s the point waiting here in crap if I can just go now? Well there is a small slither of hope, its the only thing that gets me through, I try to fill the other gaps with small totally useless things like music and games, temporary fillers; they just allow me to let the days slip by without being completely empty...
As for myself I would love to say that "I can wait forever" but that is nothing but a stupid fantasy, I am human, I have a limit dammit... Is it that hard to contemplate and acknowledge?

I may seem "fine" or that I'm doing "okay" on the surface, but thats just a loads of bollocks.
Why don't You just stab me to death with a blunt object; like a spoon it would hurt a whole lot less...

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”