~#It's Not Me...#

Well, this is just a post made during a time of stress and "condensed" built up rage.

Why, every time I feel like I'm encouraged to do something I am just instantly; not brought, but demolished. With very little, if any, hope left from the initial task. All the "little" crap is worse is worse than just one big piece of crap.
Like, what the hell am I here for? What exactly am I to do?

Seriously... Why should I even bother?
I am told and promised "Y" when all I seem to get is "Z". Am I that selfish that what I want is the total opposite of what is meant for me?
Just what is the point in chasing something I don't even think will benefit me?
If what I want is the total opposite of what someone else wantswhat am I supposed to do? I've grown up with the idea of serving others and other coming first, this has been drilled in to my head... However of late I don't really see why if I never get what I want, why am I always the submissive one? Giving up something of mine when I don't seem to get the same back? Then screw it...
I just think that some people are so full of sh*t. Yea I said it, so what? Yea I can admit; that yeah I do as well.
But what sick people would do it constantly for their own damn benefit with no regard to other people? You are the truly selfish dicks.
I am willing and to admit my faults and I know that sometimes my actions hurt others and sometimes I don't realise until its a bit late, because its never too late. I guess in the very end I know it was wrong.
But if You must insist on the fact that You are in the right You can basically just "SMC”, thats probably as much use as I would want You to ever be to me.
I can honestly say sometimes I pray that I would rather not know You at all, sometimes I even pray that You can feel the sh*ts of life just so You know what its like...

Don’t You deserve to go through some crap? Why do You get to live a life that allows You to be totally happy? When there are people who suffer.


I am not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying You are a dick. would You want someone to do the same to You without an apology? Yea I thought not, so why do I have to endure this loads of bollocks, I mean why even in the first place? Just so that one day in the future if You ever need a favour You can ask me? Yea well SMC.
Be realistic.
Be subjective.
Before You spout any of Your nonsensical crap to me again.
You want to blame me then fine blame me.
You want to talk crap to me then do it.
You want to say one thing but mean the opposite then do it.
But do it for real, don’t be a dick and try to sugar-coat crap. Just get it out straightforward, none of the in-between rubbish.
I mean I’m sick of thinking "oh maybe this time I won't receive crap again this time" then when the time comes I just get "crap".
Don't "try" and build me up if You can't be bothered to finish the job. I'm sick of it, being constantly thrown a line that is too damn short.
If You say I'm first I'd like to be first.
If You say I'm second im fine with second because You have told me that...
But if You tell me I'm first and You treat me as though I am second well then I will just get pis*ed off. Why at something so petty? Because I can, it just does.
If You don't have the "time" or "commitment" then just say it, it would feel a hell of a lot better than dragging it out giving me false hope just to stumble again.
If You say You want to do something then mean it... That means don't freaking wait for me to fall whilst filling Yourself up like a dick. Yes like I said I’m also selfish, but if You say I’m next then make sure I’m freaking next and not "oh wait let me do this first" just to make me even more discouraged, its a freaking kick to the balls. Being made to feel even worse than second best.
Also don't tell me something then later on totally contradict it. It just feels like crap, am i not even worth Your own honesty, trust and time? Well thanks make me feel even more like trash.
Just how crap can I be made to feel...? How much am I supposed to take, how far am I supposed to be pushed? There is only so much I can take, even for Him. He gave it all "for me" well if I don’t feel like I’m benefiting here, if I don't feel like I have any worth, value, purpose or meaning here then why can't I just go? Just let me go? What’s the point waiting here in crap if I can just go now? Well there is a small slither of hope, its the only thing that gets me through, I try to fill the other gaps with small totally useless things like music and games, temporary fillers; they just allow me to let the days slip by without being completely empty...
As for myself I would love to say that "I can wait forever" but that is nothing but a stupid fantasy, I am human, I have a limit dammit... Is it that hard to contemplate and acknowledge?

I may seem "fine" or that I'm doing "okay" on the surface, but thats just a loads of bollocks.
Why don't You just stab me to death with a blunt object; like a spoon it would hurt a whole lot less...

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”