~#Empty Apartment#

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This is not really a "new post" but just part of the last blog; I just wanted to add this seperately.
Click, watch, read.
Yellowcard, always been quite a big influence musically and in other aspects of my life.




Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

~#Restart...#

Well to start; well generally I'm a very reserved person, this blog is kind of an outlet of all the feeling welled up within me, these are my thoughts they may not be detailed, because I would rather those that really want to know the details to take the time out to ask me themselves. Yes, it sounds selfish, and maybe it is.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot, so leave a line on msn or something and it will be much appreciated because I know I constantly overlook people who really care.

Matthew 7:24-27

Building on a Solid Foundation

²⁴ “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. ²⁵ Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. ²⁶ But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. ²⁷ When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

Sacrifice...
So... How much are You willing to sacrifice for what You believe?
Sure it’s EASY to say
"Oh yea I'd give it all for Jesus, He saved me; I should give it all up for anything He asks, no problem He is My everything."
But when a situation arises that tests that mentality of sacrifice just how much are You genuinely willing to give up? Even in the most typical situations it is a constant struggle. Ask Yourself Honestly just how much are You willing to sacrifice? Just enough so that You get a satisfying feeling? Enough that it actually costs You something personal to Yourself? I'm not here to rebuke or point fingers because of course I find it hard and difficult to sacrifice. To be honest I would say this post relates more to obedience and sacrifice but I will just link it as sacrifice for now. But basically Obedience is greater than sacrifice.

Going back now; the biggest sacrifice in my life has radically changed my life. This sacrifice is currently still the dominating feature in my life; its haunts my mind, determines my emotions, dictates my mood and controls my thoughts...
I do not mean to get all soppy and I’m not seeking sympathy but seriously this has caused me some significant mood swings, anger and temper issues. But on the whole it has been a more than heart breaking experience... As I am writing I blink away the tears with vigour to go on and get past all of this, it may sound easy to say but it is difficult to achieve.
Sacrifice... No one said it’s an easy thing to do. So what is the purpose of sacrifice? Generally the achievement is much more valuable than the cost. So sacrifice infers a hard time; yes...

Joshua 1:9

9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

So in my personal situation, how much more it pushes me to the edge when I feel as though this sacrifice was a selfish one... Seriously think about it; what the hell did I gain really that would benefit me? Thanks it’s always great to be treated like turd when all I wanted was some thing better for You.
The stress and emotion pushed me over the edge. As I am typing this right now I look back and think how stupid. But all in all I'm not through, I'm still slowly trudging and being "carried" by Him through this, "If He brings You to it; He WILL bring You through it." This was the hope that kept me going, sure I could of turned to anything to fill this hole that has been scratched out of my heart.
I had been going for months; nearly 14 in all wondering;
Why? Why are You doing this? Why won't You answer me? Give me sign or something...
When blinded by selfishness and stupidity all the signs were in front of me, sure this may not apply to a lot of people or some people will find this "silly" but so what? This is MY view. He works through people to work through me. Again to all the people who have helped me; regardless of whether You know You have or not, I am truly thankful for all that You have tried to do, I am sorry for all the times I've overlooked a "sorry/thanks".

Basically sacrifice sucks... But I'm certain he has something greater for me; this is the hope I'm clinging on to. It's not over been easy, nor is it over, I am currently still being pushed along through it; because I; myself have all but lost all strength to go on alone, but He gives me that push to get me going and when I stop again, He gives me that push. When I think about it I think that I'm being extremely selfish, there are people going through worse than I am yet they don't whine like I do.

So really what has been pushing me through? There was a time when I left Him because I felt like He didn't want to know me, didn't want to help me, answer me, carry me, strengthen me. It hurt; I blamed Him, I Blamed "X". But in the end is it not entirely my fault? I chose not to listen, see, hear or feel all the blatant signals from Him. However with regards to "X" I truly do not believe I am to accept full responsibility for this crap... Sure of course I am bitter and angry; who wouldn't be? I gave it up for You, and I feel like every time You look or more realistically; intentionally ignore me, it feels like You are spitting on me for what I did for You. I am constantly confused about how I should feel; I spend the days burning with anger, then the nights regretting that I was angry with You and eventually end up crying myself to sleep... No I'm not joking nor am I seeking sympathy. It wrecks my mind... Letting go is difficult... I do not mean to point fingers here but something really didn’t help me through this time, if You vow to help and support me please don’t just say it as an empty promise; I would more than like to accept it, but when I feel like You only said it to make temporarily make me feel better it doesn’t help... sure I know I shouldn't be thinking like this; but I’m human and I’m fallible but honestly I already have trust issues, don't make them worse. It truly hurts when (I know it sounds immature and immoral) but if You say this but then do something that totally contradicts it, I will be hurt. So if You are going to say something mean it, I would prefer that You didn't say it rather than make an empty promise.

Well, I felt as though this situation also kind of benefited me, it showed my true foundations; seriously what was I basing life with God on? Were my foundation God and Jesus? As I picked up the pieces I realised that my foundations were built with relations, NEEC, youth group and fun, that will all fade one day. So it further opened my eyes that my foundations needed to be rebuilt, if this single trial in my life was able to shake me to my foundations and forced/allowed me to rebel against Him for something so trivial then I'm screwed in the future. I believe that this is truly a struggle also for my benefit; it has allowed me to notice that my foundations needed replacing, because ultimately it comes down to the foundations every time I face a trial, if what I have built on top of the foundations is strong but the foundations themselves lack strength then basically I'm screwed. So yea these past few months that I have spent thinking and "soul searching" have been "back to basics" for me. I think we overlook the fundamentals; the basics are imperative to our faith.

1 Corinthians 3:11-16

11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.

12 Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. 13 But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. 14 If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. 15 But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.

If I was to explain how I knew He was there for me, well I guess this analogy is the best I can explain it, if it sounds generic so be it.
Ok, imagine a dark path, You can barely make out the path beneath Your feet. You are walking a broad path with many other paths connected to it. God is ahead of You with a candle a small light, You walk towards it; He offers to guide and advise You, You follow him He walks at a pace a little slower than Yours, You do not want to overtake Him in case You stumble on something. But because You move slightly faster than Him You stop every so often to marvel and gaze and the dimly lit objects around His light, He waits for You. You notice something and then something else; You realise You have wandered slightly away from Him. The light is slightly dimmer; You have to squint to see the light now. You shout Him to come back, but You can't see the objects that are on the path that snare and trip You as You try to find the path alone with no light.
Ok this made much more sense in my head, but as I thought it through I got confused. On a slight tangent light will always shine no matter how much darkness is present, it can't cover or mask the light. The greater darkness the greater the light will shine. However if there is a bright light there will be less darkness but the darkness will be concentrated in some areas. (This makes sense to me, but I’m assuming it may confuse other people; I have a strange way of thinking, but basically think shadows.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
I began with this with the mashing of my keyboard through my tears of anger and anguish... As I drew to a close and listened to these songs being played on my itunes they slowly became tears of joy... Still mixed with anger and anguish... But at least now there is a slight bit of joy.


Basically this has been a rage blog, not much that’s productive, this posts purpose was mainly to get stuff off my chest.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Please msn/text/ring/e-mail or contact me if You like. Rage at my rage if You like.

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

~#So It Begins...#

Well here goes...

An update of my life, I'll go straight in to it.

Job 8:21

²¹ He will once again fill your mouth with laughter
and your lips with shouts of joy.

Well this particular verse actually means a lot to me, it is one of the first verses I ever learnt and have since used it as part of a foundation in Him.

However over the recent 18 couple of months I have found it extremely hard to believe in this; I don't mean to seek sympathy but in all seriousness, over this period of time laughter feels like it needed to be forced or faked as to not be an outsider, shouts of joy have been somewhat rare, socialising even seems like a chore when I'd much rather just sit there with my headphones in and blank it all out and just be alone. At home I doubt anyone even realised that I was feeling like crap. Home, a place where I might as well be invisible, I don't even feel as though I exist, they just look though me, do they even see me? This may seem like a desperate plea of a weak 20 year old... well then so be it. I have become accustomed to being the scapegoat, the screw up, the failure. I'd much rather take the blame even if I’m not to blame as long as it results in peace...

When something goes wrong, I’m to blame

When something breaks, I’m to blame

When something changes, I’m to blame.

Well to be honest blame me all You like it means nothing to me anymore, my self esteem and self worth have been shattered to a point of pointless return, I currently have little need for pride.

Personally right now I'd like to apologise to all those around me who have had to put up with so much of my crap, recently I’ve been a lot more abusive and aggressive, I don’t mean to vent it on You all but I just did; I am still unable to overcome this, every time I speak it will be some form of abuse or aggression. Well I thank those that have had the willpower and patience to put up with me; I know it must not have been easy or nice at all.

The mask I’ve been wearing is beginning to take its toll... it can no longer contain/hide things that I desire, it has become apparent, I am sick and tired of maintaining this facade. How sad and pathetic it is for a 20 year old to cry himself to sleep months on end. I think it’s pathetic when I reminisce on the reasons.
So there it is, I Hated Him.

Hated is past tense.

I felt like I had it "All". I guess after looking back upon this I can see that I was way too high, on my own earthly desires, I CLEARLY needed to be brought back down and taught a valuable lesson; and damn; that was a painful lesson, to fall from so high.
To be totally honest I am ashamed to admit that I blamed Him for this, I pushed Him out of my life, because in all honesty I felt as though I was being punished for something I was instructed to do. I believed that what I did was "the right thing" and thus should at least not be "rewarded" with a punishment. It wasn't something I HAD to do; it was a matter of choice; You or You. In the end God is the greater influence in my life so I went with His perfect judgement. However, after doing so I felt anguish and pain as I had to make a difficult choice; a choice which I still believe is right even to this day, after hours and hours of torturing myself for an answer.

How foolish, I was to blinded by selfishness, personal desires and thinking I was "right" and looking for an answer that would be so obvious, when I should be trusting and have faith that His way is perfect. How stupid that it took me so long to realise. Even though I realise to entrust all in Him I still struggle to keep a straight face in certain circumstances, sometimes I will just break, but if there is anything I have learnt from this is that perseverance is a requirement for character building. This may not make sense but it makes sense in my mind.

During this period I guess I have been personally been building walls, not to keep everyone out, but to see who would put in that extra effort; those that truly cared who wanted to know me, to knock down the wall and truly be there for me, not much of a revelation when I fell back in to the mindset that all people suck; sorry to people who tried; because as humans we are all fallible so therefore I will NEVER find a perfect person to be there for all my selfish needs.

He was and is the only one I could be certain of being there for me. It took me many months to finally realise this.

So then this was when I thought God, I’m sorry for being a total dick, so I shamefully started crawling back... yes shamefully I was more than ashamed of what I had thought about Him in my moments of emotional insecurity; in rage, anger and depression. Even after reading so much and being taught so much, I still believed I would be met with jeers and shouts of "I told You so"... but obviously this wasn’t the case, I do not mean to be generic but I seriously didn't expect Him to be so forgiving, despite all that I knew, or what I thought I knew, I half expected Him to say "No, You have dishonoured me enough." It just goes to show that His mercy and grace are both truly amazing, it's not what I’ve done, and it’s what Jesus has done. Although my relationship with Him is still on "the mend" He has made it particularly easy for me to want to return to Him. I am still struggling with almost everything, however I know that I will never be good enough, so does that mean I should just give up where I am right now and be content that I’ve tried slightly? Or should I pursue more and strive to know Him more than I have ever known? Well for me the answer is a no-brainer.

I do not mean for this to be a rant directed at anyone in particular, because like I've said earlier I know it may seem like I blamed You all, but I know that it was my own fault, it was all down to me, I was just pushing for an easy option by pushing the blame on to others so that I may be able to feel righteous. But if You truly believe I’m purposely pointing a finger at You and blaming You, well then talk to me, I'd rather get it sorted than have You wallow in the intense displeasure and torture of not knowing the truth.

So yea basically I feel like I'm starting everything all over again... however know with a greater foundation, not to say that its perfect because it is far from it, I will always stumble but this is just the beginning of my journey, I have just always been afraid of not knowing what lies ahead in store for me. Like Martin Luther King said; "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." it's all about faith.

Romans 1:17

“It is through faith that a righteous person has life.”

So the story goes...

Well this is enough rage for the moment, if You read all of this I thank You for that, and I totally appreciate that You took the time to know or understand me a bit better. I do believe that I do not think like the "average/ordinary" human being, I do believe that I think am over sensitive when responding to certain things, but You may no agree but whatever. Just know that I may not think the same way as You, but we still think about the same things. This post is purposely not totally in depth, for people who want to know more or have burning questions to ask then leave a comment, msn or text me.

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”