~#So It Begins...#

Well here goes...

An update of my life, I'll go straight in to it.

Job 8:21

²¹ He will once again fill your mouth with laughter
and your lips with shouts of joy.

Well this particular verse actually means a lot to me, it is one of the first verses I ever learnt and have since used it as part of a foundation in Him.

However over the recent 18 couple of months I have found it extremely hard to believe in this; I don't mean to seek sympathy but in all seriousness, over this period of time laughter feels like it needed to be forced or faked as to not be an outsider, shouts of joy have been somewhat rare, socialising even seems like a chore when I'd much rather just sit there with my headphones in and blank it all out and just be alone. At home I doubt anyone even realised that I was feeling like crap. Home, a place where I might as well be invisible, I don't even feel as though I exist, they just look though me, do they even see me? This may seem like a desperate plea of a weak 20 year old... well then so be it. I have become accustomed to being the scapegoat, the screw up, the failure. I'd much rather take the blame even if I’m not to blame as long as it results in peace...

When something goes wrong, I’m to blame

When something breaks, I’m to blame

When something changes, I’m to blame.

Well to be honest blame me all You like it means nothing to me anymore, my self esteem and self worth have been shattered to a point of pointless return, I currently have little need for pride.

Personally right now I'd like to apologise to all those around me who have had to put up with so much of my crap, recently I’ve been a lot more abusive and aggressive, I don’t mean to vent it on You all but I just did; I am still unable to overcome this, every time I speak it will be some form of abuse or aggression. Well I thank those that have had the willpower and patience to put up with me; I know it must not have been easy or nice at all.

The mask I’ve been wearing is beginning to take its toll... it can no longer contain/hide things that I desire, it has become apparent, I am sick and tired of maintaining this facade. How sad and pathetic it is for a 20 year old to cry himself to sleep months on end. I think it’s pathetic when I reminisce on the reasons.
So there it is, I Hated Him.

Hated is past tense.

I felt like I had it "All". I guess after looking back upon this I can see that I was way too high, on my own earthly desires, I CLEARLY needed to be brought back down and taught a valuable lesson; and damn; that was a painful lesson, to fall from so high.
To be totally honest I am ashamed to admit that I blamed Him for this, I pushed Him out of my life, because in all honesty I felt as though I was being punished for something I was instructed to do. I believed that what I did was "the right thing" and thus should at least not be "rewarded" with a punishment. It wasn't something I HAD to do; it was a matter of choice; You or You. In the end God is the greater influence in my life so I went with His perfect judgement. However, after doing so I felt anguish and pain as I had to make a difficult choice; a choice which I still believe is right even to this day, after hours and hours of torturing myself for an answer.

How foolish, I was to blinded by selfishness, personal desires and thinking I was "right" and looking for an answer that would be so obvious, when I should be trusting and have faith that His way is perfect. How stupid that it took me so long to realise. Even though I realise to entrust all in Him I still struggle to keep a straight face in certain circumstances, sometimes I will just break, but if there is anything I have learnt from this is that perseverance is a requirement for character building. This may not make sense but it makes sense in my mind.

During this period I guess I have been personally been building walls, not to keep everyone out, but to see who would put in that extra effort; those that truly cared who wanted to know me, to knock down the wall and truly be there for me, not much of a revelation when I fell back in to the mindset that all people suck; sorry to people who tried; because as humans we are all fallible so therefore I will NEVER find a perfect person to be there for all my selfish needs.

He was and is the only one I could be certain of being there for me. It took me many months to finally realise this.

So then this was when I thought God, I’m sorry for being a total dick, so I shamefully started crawling back... yes shamefully I was more than ashamed of what I had thought about Him in my moments of emotional insecurity; in rage, anger and depression. Even after reading so much and being taught so much, I still believed I would be met with jeers and shouts of "I told You so"... but obviously this wasn’t the case, I do not mean to be generic but I seriously didn't expect Him to be so forgiving, despite all that I knew, or what I thought I knew, I half expected Him to say "No, You have dishonoured me enough." It just goes to show that His mercy and grace are both truly amazing, it's not what I’ve done, and it’s what Jesus has done. Although my relationship with Him is still on "the mend" He has made it particularly easy for me to want to return to Him. I am still struggling with almost everything, however I know that I will never be good enough, so does that mean I should just give up where I am right now and be content that I’ve tried slightly? Or should I pursue more and strive to know Him more than I have ever known? Well for me the answer is a no-brainer.

I do not mean for this to be a rant directed at anyone in particular, because like I've said earlier I know it may seem like I blamed You all, but I know that it was my own fault, it was all down to me, I was just pushing for an easy option by pushing the blame on to others so that I may be able to feel righteous. But if You truly believe I’m purposely pointing a finger at You and blaming You, well then talk to me, I'd rather get it sorted than have You wallow in the intense displeasure and torture of not knowing the truth.

So yea basically I feel like I'm starting everything all over again... however know with a greater foundation, not to say that its perfect because it is far from it, I will always stumble but this is just the beginning of my journey, I have just always been afraid of not knowing what lies ahead in store for me. Like Martin Luther King said; "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." it's all about faith.

Romans 1:17

“It is through faith that a righteous person has life.”

So the story goes...

Well this is enough rage for the moment, if You read all of this I thank You for that, and I totally appreciate that You took the time to know or understand me a bit better. I do believe that I do not think like the "average/ordinary" human being, I do believe that I think am over sensitive when responding to certain things, but You may no agree but whatever. Just know that I may not think the same way as You, but we still think about the same things. This post is purposely not totally in depth, for people who want to know more or have burning questions to ask then leave a comment, msn or text me.

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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”