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~# Run... #

This is what is in my heart...
why will it not enter my mind?



You were God from the outset
Powerful and creative
You who saw us here before you called
All the stars and the earth to existence

You are God you are Holy
History is you story
You, who was and is
And who forever will be
God we live for your Glory

So we will run
All together our hearts aflame
With a fire that can't be tamed
Our God all Glory to your name
Jesus

You are God you are freedom
You're alive now within us
You who saw us here before
You conquered the grave
And delivered on the promise

We will run
Our surrender to bring you fame
Our desire that you be praised
Our God all Glory to your name
Jesus

-----------------------

My mind which is filled with so many impure thoughts.
Thoughts of rage, anger, wrath and pain...

Need I say more?
I'm not perfect... but I'm trying...



So that's how You want to do things?
This truly is an immaculate display of idiotic blindness...
You do that, You continue to be moulded, to be ordered around, always following and changing so that You can suit His "needs/wants/desires".
Freaking stupid dicks.
Believe me, You are HUMAN You will NEVER be enough to satisfy, when that day comes, when You can no longer fulfil the needs or fulfil the requirements... You will know how painful it truly, so until then; You live Your life how You deem fit. My opinion OBVIOUSLY MEANS NOTHING, MEANS SQUAT to You.
What kind of stupid insecure retard needs to PICK between friends?
How insecure...
How pathetic...
How STUPID...
do you have to be?
Even more STUPID is the IDIOT who actually picks.
I hope You realise that the fact that You were indirectly asked to choose between me and him makes You realise that who actually had the better intentions for You, what kind of a DICK HEAD asks You to choose between friends?
You live with Your decision, I hope You think it is the right one, the one which will keep You happy for your entire life. I hope you NEVER regret it... Once you begin to regret You will realise You have NEITHER.
Well, the fact that You heeded this question and answered PROVES how You are so UNDESERVING of my friendship... I can honestly, sincerely say I would of done almost anything had You just asked with no thought of repayment or bargaining...
Well You made your choice live with it. I have made my choice, I'll live with it.

Have it Your way then, be that way, I can honestly say I tried, I tried to understand and pretend; that didn't work. I tried being harsh so I could be totally honest; that didn't work either. What else can I do or say?
Nothing... All I can do is wait and pray...
So be it.
You have Your own life You live it however You want, I have no control over it.
You will never know what it's like, I hope that it stays that way for Your own sake.
I do find it slightly distressing how You make it out to be my fault, all I can say to that is why the balls don't You try seeing it from my point of view, You stupid ignorant piece of turd; I can no longer contain my bitter resentment. A turd that doesn't deserve even a PORTION of the effort I have and would pour in to You.
I don't need another hindrance to continue to drag and hold me down....................
Especially a pathetic one that can so easily throw people away...

Thanks for making me feel so much worse than I ever should.
Thanks for using me so that You can feel good.
Thanks for wasting all my effort.
Thanks for destroying all my self esteem, trampling all over it.
Thanks for showing me how some people on this earth are...

I would Love to say that this had made me a stronger person; that this has helped me to build my character, that this has refined me as a person...
But no, this has weakened me substantially, to a point where I am unable to trust wholeheartedly in anything, yes I blame You.


I bid You farewell and Adieu...

All acknowledgement of Your existence shall be kept strictly in prayer only...
As I'm "not allowed" to speak to You. It was Your decision, You made it, You keep it.
Actions have consequences, I have a limit, I can only take a certain amount of hits before I give up... I would Love to say that I can keep getting up continuously without any lasting damage... But that just isn't true.


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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

~# Pathetic #

Wow... I thought I would leave this a few days to see if my anger and rage would settle down from this...
Well I guess it didn't...
So here goes...

Well how pathetic...
Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic...

pa·thet·ic   [puh-thet-ik]
–adjective
1.
causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.

A word I rarely throw around, when used it is only in seriousness.

Yes You are Pathetic...

I have made myself clear on numerous occasions...
So unbelievably freaking clear...
I have "given up" something so important for You, You already have it, I gave it so You could have it You stupid immature insecure retard... So why must You piss all over it to mark Your territory? Imbecile.
So hows about growing a pair of bollocks and manning up? You freaking coward.

And now on to You... You are NOT better in ANY WAY, if anything You are WORSE far worse... Are You going to come running and make up another pathetic empty invalid reason to excuse such a pathetic display of idiocy...?
You will protect and make up any crap excuse You can find to make it appear as if it is my fault, or at the very least not Your/His fault.
Pathetic...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...

Seriously if I am able to be "brushed off" so easily then our friendship means nothing, seriously what a load of bollocks.
One day; which I earnestly pray will NEVER happen to You. You may lose it all... When that happens... You can ask and wonder where and why it all went wrong... Then maybe Your eyes MAY be opened...
"Your Precious" where did it go...
Where will You go?
Who will You turn to?
Why are people not listening?
How come they are not keeping their promises?
What they said isn't true? They would always be there but now they are not?
Once everything of Yours has been taken and used... When You will be nothing worthwhile, When You are "boring"... You will realise that there are very few people who will make and keep a promise, and even fewer people who will sincerely give all they have for You, sacrificing for Your benefit. Those people are the ones You want to hang on to REGARDLESS of whatever.
But fine, be blind. Hold on to something that can be broken so easily.

I'm SURE You will be told that "I'm not worth it if this is all it takes to set me off..." Of course You will be told this! You are not supposed to have any contact that could "disrupt" You and "Your precious"...
You make the pathetic lies and excuses, yet when it is someone else it is not right? Wow really pathetic, You make up the lies to protect something so pathetic, yet when I asked about something similar You brought up a lot of "possibly" valid reasons, however since now it is "Your precious" asking You don't have to question it, You just have to instantly assume its "best"...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...

But fine, fine, throw me away, I obviously don't mean a thing.
He tells You to jump,
You reply How high...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...

I am generally tolerable, I will be annoyed for a short period of time and cool off and come to my senses realising what I have done, I will even go to the lengths of pretending like You even apologised for things You SHOULD have. I won't even bring up the situation even if it benefit me or if I can use it against You...
But some things for me are just too hard to "just accept, erase and pretend" never happened.
And You expect me to forgive You for this?
If my friendship meant THAT LITTLE to You then screw You, You just don't deserve it.
Numerous times I have continued to accept and admit that I was wrong when personally I don't think I am, I pushed ALL my pride aside for our friendship...

friend·ship   [frend-ship]
–noun
1.
the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship

But that doesn't ANYTHING to You, does it?
Our friendship has NO VALUE does it?
Or oh wait... You are going to say what? it doesn't have the same value? Obviously not... You literally MADE YOUR DECISION by telling me the EMPTY FAKE problem...
How many other people will You stupidly throw away?
It may just be me this time...
You probably don't even care,
You have many more "friends"...
You still have "Your Precious"
As soon as "Your Precious" was even slightly upset You just threw me aside, no second thought as to how it may affect me. All You thought about was "Your Precious" and Yourself... Thanks a bunch. It's always oh so great to be tossed aside, to be shown You have,
No Meaning...
No Purpose...
No Significance...
No Nothing...

Now You have the CHEEK to say to me
WHEN YOU FORGIVE ME talk to me, You will be waiting...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...
What an impeccable display of ignorance, idiocy, and just plain stupidity.
I know I am called to forgive all and not hold grudges... With God I pray for forgiveness...
But that doesn't mean I will be actively seeking to repair our "friendship"
I believe that You wouldn't even be able to think of one significant reason why I should.
You don't even care enough, which was blatantly show by Your actions... How You overlooked my thoughts, my possible feeling regarding this matter, yes You clearly value something like "that" so much more above something so lowly as my friendship...
I hear excuses after excuse that You make for "Your Precious" it sickens and disgusts me...
You who have changed in such a negative way...
But what? Oh right... Another invalid excuse? to make Yourselves think that its right?
Pathetic...
Pathetic...
Pathetic...

I can honestly say that this is partially for Your benefit,
I actually pray wholeheartedly that I actually mean something to You...
It pains me so much to have to separate myself so suddenly, it's not so easy for myself either...
But I hope that this will open Your eyes... Even if a small amount...
Just SEE SOMETHING...

John 13:34-35

34 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

1 Peter 3:8

All Christians

8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters.Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.


Maybe my approach is not perfect... Maybe I'm not so humble and tenderhearted... But I'm trying...


1 Corinthians 10:31

31 So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.


Ultimately where does love come from? Where is the root of love? If you truly want to know how to have a harmony filled, long lasting successful relationship then wouldn’t you want to find the origin of relationships, the real author of love? If so, then what’s stopping you? Often times people wander around looking for love in all the wrong places and they end up getting hurt and used by others. If your true desire is to build a relationship with a foundation that will stand in love, seek out the creator. Start by beginning or reconciling your relationship with the Heavenly Father, for that is where everything began. How can anyone expect to have a healthy loving relationship with others unless they first have one with the originator? The initial answer is much closer than many might think, it’s so easy, just look up! He is waiting for you with open arms.
Just know that Gods love is unfailing, He will never leave your or forsake you, you can depend on God to meet all your needs. Is there anybody you can personally mention, in all honesty, that has been that way in your life? I don’t think you will find any human capable of perfect love, but maybe that is what everyone is continuing to search for? God is the one that spoke you into existence just to have a meaningful love relationship with you. Does this mean that reaching out to him that all your problems will magically go away, no. It takes time to resolve issues that took time to arise in conflict, but the reference remains with God.

A relationship is sustained by both parties Love for God being greater than their Love for each other...

Also... A person will NEVER change for You. Only God can change a person. What makes You think that You can prevent someone from hurting You again and again for the same things? You can't. Only God can. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect nor am I saying that I never hurt You but I do believe that I have been pushed to finally being forced to tough Love, since even before the start of this blog; back in October 2009 I have felt as though nothing will get through to You... So I hope that this will actually open Your eyes...
If not then I guess You will hate me for a long time if not forever.
But in all honesty... I think You still have something essential that You need to learn, and I'm not going to feed it to You on a plate.
I wholeheartedly pray that this harsh message will get through to You...
If not then, I guess it really proves how meaningless I am to You.
Anger and finger pointing is expected... I assume that You will even ask what right do I have to say this?
Maybe socially that is true... Hmm... But since when do I give a buggery balls what everyone else thinks.

Well fine this is my ultimatum.
I am not going to continue to bend over backwards for Your sake only.
I also have a limit, a breaking point... You aren't the only one with problems.

So read this thoroughly and properly, if You get angry I pray that the things I say get through to You, if not then what can I say, I guess I will have pushed You too far beyond reparation. I can not say I don't care because that would be a lie. I care, believe I care, if anything I care too much and if You cant understand why I say the things I say well I don't know what else I can do.

My promise is always there... But I can't stand by letting You blindly being "controlled and moulded"... You may not see it and it may not seem right... but that is my "defence" for my harshness and brutal "honesty".

I don't even know if You will ever know how much my heart aches and yearns for You...

I constantly feel as though I put far much more thought in to this than You, far much more thought in to this that I should. But shouldn't that actually mean that I actually value and care so much that it is on my mind so much? Well I hope You think that...

Promise <3

"I always want You in my life, not be apart, our unique bond; I mean it and I intend to keep it..."


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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

~# Aj Rafael - When We Say (Juicebox) #

Aj Rafael - When We Say (Juicebox)



Somethin bout the way
Somethin bout the way you look
In my eyes
You make everything so damn easy
So easy that I don't got to worry bout a thing

And baby when we touch
All I can see is the image of us
Sitting by the ocean
Just before the dusk
Sippin on a juice box and
Sand between our toes

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

Just tell me you don't love me
Tell me you don't feel the same way that I do
Tell me I don't make you smile
Like I do when you walk in the room
You're so hard to let go

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we say it's forever
But this ain't a fantasy
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

This hurts so much to know that you're
With someone else when you should be with me
It's just hard to accept that I can't be around
He better be treatin you good
I'm no Einstein but I know a sign
When I see one
And I know you love me too
I know you love me too

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you good
So good
You got your life
He better be treatin you right