~#It's Time To...?#

Time for...
Make Or Break...

我很累了

Well... As hot tempered as I can be I know my rash decisions are usually regretted after thinking about it... There are many things I would do anything to take back... But I can't life goes on the way it does... Many times I have said, done and thought things knowing I would regret them in the future... Many times I have just jumped to typing in this blog when I'm not even emotionally stable, I have just begun typing when I have been filled with anger, bitterness and rage. Yet I have always been too "proud" to take back something I know I should... Well I know it sounds like an excuse for all the things I have said... well it's not an excuse, I take responsibility for the things I have done and said... Even though some are unforgivable...

NowI am just too tired...
Too tired of crying
Too tired of constantly hurting others...
Too tired of being hurt and hurting myself...
Too tired of worrying and wearing other people out...
Too tired to keep on fighting a losing fight...
Too tired to pretend like all is alright...
Too tired physically...
Too tired mentally...
Too tired spiritually...
Too tired of being tired...

I guess I would gladly throw
All my resentment...
All my bitterness...
All my pride...
All my pains...
All my dignity...
Everything that holds You against me, everything that holds the blame on Your head.
If I could just start it all over again... No past no nothing.

This is my "cowards" way out,I know. I won't ever say this to You, because I'm afraid of Your reaction, I'm scared of what You will do, say or think... So I will just wait... Let the days pass until You somehow read this... Or just get so sick of me.

In all honesty I would rather You,
Hate me...
Despise me...
Forget me...
If it will really give You everything You wanted.
I don't want to be the excess unneeded weight on Your shoulders...

So if You ever end up reading this...
I am actually sorry... I am so sorry that it hurts that I can't ever tell You face to face...
I feel like I have to have this "tough" exterior so that nobody can hurt me again... But I guess that it wasn't just me that was hurt...Many times I have continued to push You away... Now I think that I have pushed You so far that there is no return, well maybe that is the case, but that will be nobodys fault other than my own. I was wrong forgive me... Or don't if that is what it takes.

Like I've said many times... I would like to... But this isn't a decision for me alone to make...
This is all I have to offer... Take if You want it... Leave it if You don't... I'm just too tired...
My heart has been filled with the "wrong" sorts of emotions... I can easily blame You for this, but I do realise that I myself am entirely to blame.

I know I am just repeating myself now... But again, start new if You want, if You don't well thats fine too, whatever is best for You... I will never tell You this myself to Your face, I will just wait until You someday read this... If You ever read this...
I know there are many things I would like to say to You, many thing I would like to tell You, many qustions I have left unanswered that I would like to answer... Many apologies that I have never given...


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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”