~#Confessions...#

Ok, well I can now say that it's not the beds nor my cough that is rendering me unable to sleep at night...
I wake up groggily to write this... I don't know why. I rarely wake up straight to go on the laptop... I usually have other things I do first like shower, pee, brush my teeth, check the mail, see who is in the house and check my phone ... But I just can't be bothered, I am just finding comfort in my music playlist. Recently I have been Korean-ified musically...I don't know why but for some reason they help. Or maybe it is just music in general.

But yea I'm not thinking straight... My mind keep drifting... Because I'm not fully awake...
A Continuation from my last post...

The reasons for the bitterness, anger, rage and unhappiness... I can only assume is from my own selfishness, my own blindness, I kept wanting something which I wasn't getting.
You already know what I can be like... I'm over possessive... over protective... Both in my own strange kind of way... The way I show things will never be received the way I want it to be... This is a lesson I am learning and take on board... Funnily enough football has been a big part in teaching me this. I am not everything, I am not the maker, I am not the orchestrator... There are others around me, I have to take their feelings in to accoutn aswell.

But what really sets me off on my rage?
Honestly... This will make me sound ever so bitter...
It's more that I am too sensetive to things. I takes things a lot further than people should or would.
To me I had given myself a mindset... To go in to everything, to do everything expecting nothing in return, that way I will never be disappointed.... But when I receive something I will be surprised in a good way.
But I don't know why, over the time I spent with You I kinda started expecting more and more in return.
Also some of the things that were said. This is the worst, because it will make me sound strange. But the things that we said... Then I felt like numerous times we didn't mean it... this is what kind of made the most dents for me. But like I said before... maybe You have a different way of showing things. Or maybe I just can't see the blatantly obvious.

This is short and obviously incoherent... As I now have to rush off to work...
But in all honesty... I don't care about that anymore...
Like I said, I'd give it all just to be new again.
But of course, maybe I have pushed too far. If I'm to be out of Your life, then so be it; You know whats best for You, not me.
If I am to have no part then thats Your choice... All I do now is wait...
Whatever the choice, I'm sorry for it all...


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Isaiah 40:8

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”