~#Fail...#

Sigh... Sometimes life really just feels like one failure or disappointment straight after another.
Joy... The meaning of Joy has for me, been simply put as:

JOY

J-Jesus
O-Others
Y-Yourself

Meaning to attain Joy means to put Jesus before others, but others come before You.
Then where the hell is the Y part?
Why is it everytime I feel like life is starting to maybe throw me a lifeline that it just seems to disappear...
Is it that I don't have the J part fulfilled properly?
I do believe that I have done a sufficient amount for "others" well more than I should sometimes... but where do I ever see the "Y"? Am I so selfish that I want more than I should be receiving? Am i expecting more than I what im receiving?
Sigh... Either way I don't feel like there is any worth putting too much effort in to some "others" as they just seem to take and take and expect more and more and not give anything back.
Well these "Selfish Dicks" can just be pushed out, I've tried all that I can, if they want more and have no intention of returning any sort of favour, well then they can just get the hell away from me please.

You expect to just do something... And then try and justify what You did even if You knew that it would cause negative externalities to me, yet You still want things for Yourself... Just how much of a selfish dickhead must You be seriously? You stupid ass prick, twisting words, situations and numerous other things to suit YOU and YOU ONLY...
I seriously shouldn't even give a crap, but yet I do, why?
But even more so, You CLEARLY don't care about my feelings... Unless they benefit You, so I just have to ask...

WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT IN ASKING ME?

When You so clearly don't care what I say or think. Why ask? Does it give You a little warm fuzzy feeling inside if I accept Your view?Well guess what, No, as if I'm that stupid as to accept the things that pain me. Is my "acceptance" really worth that much? I guess not judging by Your actions... They really are befitting of a dick like You...

What is the point in asking "how are You?" After something like that, how stupid are You? It's like me shooting You in the leg and asking "are You ok?" Its pretty pointless and blatantly obvious how it is... Or were You SO SELF ABSROBED that You didn't even care to notice? Yea thats exactly what I thought...

Just do whatever the hell You want,
Don't bother to ask me,
Don't bother to pry for my acceptance...
It's what You are doing already... so whats the point? Just carry on being that ignorant selfish twat. You just take advantage of what people are genuinely offering to You. You take it and do what You will with it, always knowing that there is more where that came from.

Sigh.. Everytime, I feel like there is something of worth that I have to do, some real purpose in my life... then You come alone and just break me down so easily...
I continually give You the benefit of the doubt... One more chance can't hurt right? Well that proved to be the most disappoiting and useless decision ever made... Every chance is an opportunity, but no You throw it away on Yourself as usual. Well screw it. How much longer do I have to have this crap throw in my face? I'm sick of Your BOLLOCKS, twisting and changing things just so it suits You... Trying to gain my acceptance for the crap that just brings me down, well theres only so much I can take, this isn't the first time I've felt that it is as far as I can go, for some reason I always seem to have enough to go that bit further.

I totally regret that I ever blamed God for any of this, because God has always been faithful, whereas I haven't to God. It's not God that does this, it's You; You're like a parasite, eating away every part of me until there is nothing left. Well I'd like to say I draw the line here... But Gods knows what will happen. I am susceptible to random fits of rage, so maybe this is just of them. But who knows... Maybe this has been inside for too long and only become vulnerable and released in this state.

Well do whatever You want, I can honestly say hand on heart that cared for You an insane amount whether You know or believe me or not... Now I know that You don't even care at all to show me respector show me some dignity... Well this time I can't give You the benefit of the doubt, because this isn't the first time... Or the second.. Or the third... This has happened on numerous occassions and now this is where I must say that MY own sense of mind at the moment is more important than any crap You could CLAIM to have been through. You can't even give up a bit of time, a bit of effort just to acknowledge that I even exist... I'm insecure as it is, thanks for breaking me down to my absolute insecurities... I am slowly building my security back in God. this has been a hard learning process...
I hope You feel some shame, some guilt for what You have done, You can't brush this off as if it was nothing. No way... I also hope You can respect others enough to tell them the truth... The truth always comes out one way or another...

God knows what is truly in my heart. I'd like to say that this is a one-off occassion for this... However I can be more honest with myself and say that this isn't a one time thing, rage has been dominating my life recently, I've been filling my life with meaningless things but rage still continues. Just because I can see the way I should live doesn't mean I can pick it up so easily again.
I pray for forgiveness for what I have said, I am sorry Father for the things I have said, say and think... I can't help it, it's the way I am. I just wanted You to do things the way You wanted... I just expected some respect... But no, thats obviously too much to ask for...

Why don't You just spit on me instead of doing it indirectly...
Why don't You just stab me a blunt object to torture me...
Why don't You just rip out my brain instead of this mental anguish...
Why don't You just cut me open and stamp on my heart...
They are all less humiliating and less painful than the bullsh*t You seem to WANT to put me through. Oh You didn't know I would be like this? Are You blind? Do You have no empathy? Do You have no feelings? Are You that ignorant? Are YOU realy that important that others don't matter unless they benefit You? Why do You make it out that it is ALWAYS MY FAULT? Well it's not. I did what I thought was right, well You're doing what You think is right... And I pray for Your sake that it is. I hope it is worth it.

I no longer have any motivation for anything, I'm just aimlessly drifting through life, whilst trying to rebuild my relationship with God... If that ever happens. He is the only One who has always been there, He's been carrying me all this time, if I was alone I would have given up long ago... So for that I guess I am thankful... I just haven't always wanted to carry on... I don't see what this life holds, so I just wait and do what He wants. My life no longer has any purpose to me. It is His to do as He will. I would love to say I lived a life with no regrets... But that won't be happening. I know He has plans for me, they may not be amazing or exciting but I will do it, He had no reason to save me, no reason to carry so for that I will go.

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Isaiah 40:8

8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”