Life just doesn't seem fair.
Sure, I have the "knowledge" that God's plan is greater than all, regardless of whether we see, or agree with it, I am just now simply waiting for the evidence that this is true. I always thought I was strong enough to overcome almost anything that was thrown at me if I just trusted in His plan, even if I must suffer the outcome will be much greater...
Then why at this crucial point in my life does it seem that absolutely everything serves no purpose, everything right now is a time of preparing me for the road ahead... Why then is He toying with me? Why does He through the actions of humans make me feel so insignificant? So pointless, useless so pathetic? Why is it that I feel like I have been pushed so far that there appears to be no point of return, a line that has been crossed where nothing seems like nothing can be salvaged, a point where no matter what lies ahead that it will NEVER be enough to compensate for these FEW years... And I'm not saying that this "time" is over, these "few years" may continue to "grow" until hell knows how long. That will just continue to push me to thinking "is it worth it?"
Is my life so insignificant to everybody around me?
Is there even a purpose in my life?
Why must I constantly be replaced by someone so easily?
It is unbelievably soul destroying to know that I can be replaced so easily.
So, people say that it's not true, You are special BLAH DE BLAH. Well honestly Your words means nothing to me. They are nothing more than mere empty lies used to cover Your true feelings. Your actions clearly show Your true thoughts. What a surprise... Your actions and words contradict each other...
The thought plagues my mind, mentally torturing me, draining all of my energy, reducing me to act like an emotionless zombie just drifting through the days, barely making it though the day with a purpose. Each forced laugh, each fake smile creates a war in my mind and soul, it drains me of my energy.
So well not that it is my place to say or judge...
But why do some people get things they don't deserve?
Whereas some people don't get what they do deserve?
Sure Grace and Mercy to an extent is for all... But this appears restricted to only certain areas and aspects.
Sure maybe I'm wrong... Maybe my mind has become so warped, corrupted and biased that maybe I am unable to see the obvious...
Ultimately I am waiting on that "greater plan" will it really be worth it in the end?
I know how "easy" it is test and question God in our times of need and frustration...
But also why does it sometimes seem so hard to remember God in both our suffering and joy?
I'm not explicitly saying I hate God or anything like that. I'm just too frustrated and confused at the moment by His plan, I know I don't understand at the moment... But I don't know I'm just finding it all too difficult to do this alone.
I guess I am stupid for saying "alone" but what I mean is more that I am not alone in MY own desires, I mean I didn't give it up to achieve the opposite, I gave it up so that XYZ could have something better... I thought Sacrifice would be easy... I thought Sacrificing my own well-being for XYZ would be enough to keep me afloat and going... How wrong I was. I just want some confirmation or a sign to show that, something I have not received since embarking on this "test" but I am trying hard to trust... Which at the moment seems like a monstrosity of a task to achieve.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New Living Translation)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
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Isaiah 40:8
8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”
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